X-mas is coming

So, it is this time of the year again. The time of darkness and making gifts.
I have decided to write a blog post in advance to prevent any questions in type of "What do you want?" or "What do you need?", though wool socks would be fine choice just as well. However, here are some further ideas:

Help to make a book

I have a novel in progress, in stage of reading and collecting feedback (in English). It would make a great present to get any feedback on it before the years end. Weather on typos, who did you love in it, how did it make you feel and what more should I write - any feedback is welcome.

However, I fully understand that this takes time and reading (in english) is not for everyone. Also my sense of silliness and humour is not for everyone, I am sure of it.

Get a book

I noticed that, while I do have a Terry Pratchett section in my bookshelf, it could be bigger. Also, there are a lot of books that I read as a teenager and also in Estonian, so it would be lovely to re-read them and also have them there. So here is a list of books to pick from. A simple paperback in english would be the best. Discworld is preferred but not essential.

The Colour of Magic (1983) 
The Light Fantastic (1986) 
Mort (1987)
Equal Rites (1987) 
Wyrd Sisters (1988)
Truckers (1989)
Pyramids (1989) 
Guards! Guards! (1989) 
Diggers (1990) 
Moving Pictures (1990) 
Wings (1990) 
Witches Abroad (1991)
Reaper Man (1991) 
Lords and Ladies (1992)
Interesting Times (1994) 
Soul Music (1994) 
Maskerade (1995) 
Feet of Clay (1996)
Jingo (1997) 
The Last Continent (1998)
The Fifth Elephant (1999) 
The Truth (2000)
The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents (2001)
The Last Hero (2001)
Night Watch (2002)
Monstrous Regiment (2003) 
Making Money (2007)
Nation (2008) 
Snuff (2011) 
Dodger (2012)
Raising Steam (2013)

I guess thats more less it. Though in case I get all of these books, I am in trouble - I have no space to put them.

That's all I wanted to say.

You can't die with an unfinished book. - Terry Pratchett

If you didn't know, I have been writing a book for over a year now. 

It all started just as a dizzy thought when I had fever (and not the cool kind of fever) last summer and after finishing a book from Sir Pratchett my brain suddenly started to work and produce stuff.

This writing, that grew from just something to do into a short story, into a novella has ended up in the size of a novel. Short one but still a novel. 

It is in a phase of getting feedback from friends who volunteered to test read it, making a few changes if needed and then finding a publisher (it's in English so not in Estonia). I don't know how the journey will continue for it. Will I get it published? Will it end up in Kindle self publishing or will I just convert it into pdf and post it on my blog some point? I don't know and while I would love to see it on paper, I could also accept any other outcome. Why? Because the journey has already been so awesome (and the journey is ongoing, next writing on the works already). 

I am not a published author (yet!?) but I do feel that I am a writer. I love to write and I write and this is good enough. I love to take my time in late evenings and just type in the peace and quiet or spend Friday evenings at home and play with my thoughts on the paper (actually on a screen) instead of getting drunk at a party. Way more fun and productive.

Also, it seems to me that when I have it ongoing, I am more sane. If I do not give a creative task to my brain to work on, it will turn creative with other things and it is not super good at it. There is good and bad creativity. Overthinking and worrying are examples of creativity gone bad and we do not want that, do we?

So here are some guidelines I use while I write.

1. Be a DM (not Damned Madman nor Direct Message)

I have been a DM (Dungeon Master) for more than ten years and I think I already know how to create a story and the world where it all happens. I also know that things rarely go in the game as you intended or planned - your players will do whatever they want to do (I usually don't railroad). The same is true in writing. When I'm in the flow, the text just comes and I have no idea of where it will go. All I can do is try to keep the world and characters as real as possible while the narrative runs amok. Just let it be Wilde like Oscar.

2. Be an Improviser (grounded, but not by parents)

Let your text surprise you, but don't try or force yourself to be super original all the time. Let it be messy. Just write it down as it comes. Accept it as it is. You will have the option later to redo and fix it over and over again. The first thing to do is to get something down and enjoy the process of doing it. It is not super serious, it can have silly puns, it can be weird - there are no limits.

However, as we try to keep things grounded in a long form show, so should the text be grounded. Take it just as another world that has a set of rules and things just are as they are, but they are real. Gravity is or is not, but not both in the same chapter without any good reason or explanation.

3. Be Ruthless (without Ruth?)

When you finish the text a different kind of game begins. 

Now it is time to go over it and find the main narrative. Remove the things that do not aid it and insert some that do. If there are too many characters, maybe you could remove some of them without a big change in the story. Maybe some of the characters could be multitasking?

I know, it is sometimes difficult to delete the jokes and puns that just do not fit into the big picture however, it is what you need for the clarity. 

Then let the text wait, until you forget about it, then reread it. How bad was it? Should you change something? I think my text is already a version 6 or 7 and now I would not say it is too bad. I even surprised myself in a good sense with it.

It is a process and I enjoy the ride, even though I don't know where it is going. 

The Unexplainable Truth of Improv

The more I do improv the more I understand how simple and at same time also how complex it is.

There is something that just cannot be explained in it. Oh, I have tried (even in this blog) and so many others have tried, but there is always something missing I feel.

It's like with so many things in life: you can take it into pieces and explain these, but the Gestalt - the connection of all the parts - is not the same as adding up individual parts. 

The problem I face is similar to the one many LARP'ers (Live Action Role Players) have when they try to explain why it is good and fun. You can talk about collaboration, learning history, developing your crafting skills etc, but this is just taking the whole picture into pieces.

It is not just the summary of all these parts. It is so much more.

You, as a human are not just collection of your parts, are you?

At the same time, improv at its core is stupid simple. 

It's just like a kids play.

But why do we not play anymore as grownups? Fine, some of us do have new games (mind games, computer games, dating, politics, etc) but it is not the same as we had as kids, is it? 

While growing up we turn protective. We don't want to do things we are unsure of anymore. We say, it's not practical or important. We can't stand to feel lost, unsure, emotional or stupid. We act tough, but we are scared shitless.

Why so? Because at some point in the way we got hurt badly.

Our trust, freedom, love and vulnerability get stabbed and we build walls to protect ourselves - this is just how it is. Everyone has some walls, but not all of them are actually healthy nor needed.

“Of all the things trauma takes away from us, the worst is our willingness, or even our ability, to be vulnerable. There's a reclaiming that has to happen.” says Brené Brown in her book Rising Strong. 

I feel that improv is one of the ways we can use to reclaim this lost part.

True, there are some techniques that work better for it than others but all and all already 'yes, and', 'listening' and 'supporting your partner' can be big and important steps.

Improv is not just having fun. It's not just an amazing art form. It is not just a way of living. It is a shortcut to the heart. It is reclaiming of your lost parts and using them to connect with people.

I don't know how to better explain it. The connection you have with an improviser - with whom you have only shared an workshop or a show together - can often be greater and more authentic than with a family member or a long-term friend. It just happens like this and as it does, it is true.

I will just leave you with this quote from the same book.

"I believe that vulnerability - the willingness to show up and be seen with no guarantee of outcome - is the only path to more love, belonging and joy."

Cheers!

Lazy as Fuck

(Yes, that is how it is today. This post includes foul language. Sorry for that, but sometimes you just have to fuck it)

I'm a lazy bastard (well not bastard per se but double the lazy then) and I am sure it comes as no surprise to my friends, family, previous classmates and colleagues. I can recall so many moments from my childhood when I was called lazy by parents or teachers and here am I saying that they were and would still be right. Yes. I am lazy.

If I do not have any targets for myself, I can just spend all my time on nonsense. Not even doing noting (doing noting is productive...like meditation) but wasting it on watching some movies, playing games etc. I often feel guilty when that happens and with time I have also developed some tricks to handle the internal laziness. I do have a belief that I should do something, so if I don't do anything, it will bring down my self esteem, value, mood ... etc. 

Basically I am lazy, but it can fuck me up really bad.

Motivation, targets and do now

First of all, I need a reason to wake up in the morning. There must be something that I want to do. Like really want to. Because if there is none and I don't jump out from the bed as soon as the alarm goes off - the day is mostly wasted to get myself into shape. I could just stay in bed, but it is not something that I actually want to do. Therefore I prefer the alarms that my girlfriend calls "The morning heart attacks". I want to have passion. Something going on in my mind. Some Project or idea to work on, that is really making me curious like a small child. Easy to say but hard to do. Works time to time though.

Another trick is is having short term goals and giving yourself a challenging time limit (read: leaving everything to the last minute). You can do amazing things with short time. Packing for instance is something I like to do really on the last minute. If I do it before, it will take too much time and also can result on ineffective repacking and overthinking. 

One year in gymnasium I had to learn the whole years material of Art History with one day (as I had skipped most of the classes) - otherwise I would not have graduated. Challenge accepted! The next day I talked with the teacher about art as if I had been in the topic for years. All I needed was face-slap motivation and I cannot say that I would have learned the material better over the year. Most likely not. More than 10 years have passed, I have not used this knowledge meanwhile and I can still recall some parts of it.

Then there is the trick of: have an idea - do it now! There will be more stuff in the future and you might also be more lazy in the future. Just jump up and do it. Or mark it down at least, and if at it, also schedule a specific time slot for it in your calendar. 

Anger or scared as shit

Oh, this one sounds a bit strange, but being a bit pissed can be wonderful. Anger motivates and gives you clear direction. Well, you will understand later how much sense this "clear direction" had, but at that time you are filled with power and motivation and can railroad through continents. The "I know what I do and fuck the rest" attitude is empowering but also risky.

As I have a pocketful of sadness with me at all times, having anger makes life easier. Sadness does not motivate nor give you any energy.

Being scared or anxious helps aswell. (That is one more reason I love improv). The difficult part here is going with the feeling that is actually so unpleasant and sometimes difficult to carry.

So basically if I have the fight or flight situation I can just go to being angry or being anxious and go along with it. It does not work always. I had to do some work in therapy years ago so I would not just avoid all the situations that caused anxiety.

Long term goals

This is kind of a pain point I have. Anger is a short term motivation - it can burn you out - and generally I suck at motivation for things that take long time. There are a few exceptions but still. 

The best workaround I have found, but don't use as often as I should, is to cut the bigger plan into smaller pieces and have a set plan. This gives a better understanding of where all this is going and also a good way to have small accomplishments - so you are moving in certain direction. Just doing routine tasks for the fun of it is not fun.

So thats it for today. Just had an idea and had to write it down (there was a point about it)

Boom!

Lessons from the dark side

A few days ago a girl at my workplace commented on my death tattoo. 

"I think I could not live while being constantly reminded of death," she said.

"I am at a stage in my life where I could not live anymore while I'm not," I replied. 

I said it almost automatically. It just came out. It was the truth.

Later on I started thinking about it. Isn't it a bit strange that what scares others gives me hope?

I find it a bit difficult to explain but I will try.

The hard learnings

I have had several experiences in my life that have just shred me into bits and pieces. That turned me inside out. That totally shackled all I had. I could imagine cutting myself off from the world and sinking into morbid existence ... and then just fading away without anyone noticing. The hard part is that a part of my soul just wants to do that - wants to escape. Like a small scared child. The world is a terrible place, life is hard and painful and I know it. Deep down I know it, whatever I do. 

I cannot forget. I can forgive, but I cannot forget. This is the dark side of life and death that a lot of people don't want to be reminded about, but I do not have a choice here, do I.

However there is also a lighter side to death that I eventually came to understand. If you see beyond the dark you will see light. You will see the truth. You will see what matters and what does not. 

In the endgame what good is there that you had a Ferrari, HD tv and a pool table in your living room if you did not have true human connections? You get my point, right?

It took some time before I could understand these teachings and to be honest I used to be quite scared of life. Right now, I'm glad to be alive.

Here are some of the things I have learned.

1. Don't take yourself too seriously

Be silly, be stupid. Have fun. 

Do you remember how as kids we were just fooling around? Invented new games and adventures to have fun? We just moved to the music, making fool of ourselves and then were laughing about it. We made stupid faces to each other and laughed about it as well. We ran and climbed trees and played games and not because anyone told us to. We did it because it was fun. We liked doing it.

Then the teenager years came and suddenly we all tried to be oh so cool and grown up. By the numbers I am a grown up and all I can say is: "get out, it's a trap!"

We forget how to just play and have fun as kids and try to be the serious and gloom grownups that the society expects us to be. There are too many people like this.

Playing and fooling around is for kids, they say ... and that is just stupid.

Who says that you cannot be productive and playful at the same time? Have fun and get the work done at the same time?

You are not perfect. Just stop acting. None of us are and that is what makes it all so interesting.

You cannot and will not know everything. You are just a fool who tries to make the best of it all.

Death note: You will die. That is a fact. Cherish yourself and the life you have while you have it. Enjoy it.

2. Don't care too much of what others think of you.

The first point would not work too well without it, would it?

You know there used to be a cool and really friendly guy called Jesus. Everyone loved him .. except the people who did not. You see, even the son of god was not liked by everyone. Don't try the impossible. You are who you are and you will compute well with some people and not so well with others. That's just how it is. Don't waste your time on people that you do not connect with. Don't waste your time with being afraid of a judgement.

There is no point in trying to act cool. Acting is for acting school. Just be who you are - as long as you are not an asshole (remember, you want to have human connections).

Death note: Death can be sad, but it is even worse if you did not live at all. We all are scared sometimes, we all have our own demons, but the question comes down to Yes or No. Do you really want to live or not. Being in between, wasting your life as a zombie is the worst option.
Fun fact: the people who judge you will also die one day, so there's no point to worry :P

3. Connect with people

Be as honest as possible. Be real. Express your feelings as much as you possibly can (but don't be an asshole) . Yes you can make a fool of yourself like that, but who cares (check previous points) Connect. You cannot connect without the possibility of making a fool of yourself. The true human to human connection always has this scary part. If you care for someone, you will get hurt when they get hurt and you will laugh when they do. Connect with your full heart.
Even if it fails or the connection does not last forever, it is still better than never happening at all.
Your heart might get broken, but at least you have a heart. You will just put it together and move on and deep dive into other worlds and souls.

And sometimes you might think that you have lost them. We all are assholes sometimes... it is part of human nature. Whatever you did- just say that you you are sorry. If they really care for you, they will forgive.

Find your tribe. It is out there, you just have to find them and if you have them, the connection will stay - even if you do not see each-other for years or live far apart. Strange thing is this human connection.

Death note: Yes, it is sad - they as well will die one day. Sorry to bring it to you, but its the truth. Take as much as you can from these real heart to heart/ soul to soul connections. Cherish them. Value them. They will keep your heart warm and keep you going.

4. Do things now and really, don't be an Asshole

We have limited time in this world and so do all the others. All of us have our own way. Try to be kind and understanding even if you disagree with them.

All you have is Now. Right now. Nothing else is certain. Don't wait to say things that you want to say. Don't wait for a better time, if there is something you could already do right now. Don't wait for a fix in the future that will 'solve all your problems' - thats just wishful thinking. Might or might not happen for real.

Have expectations and hopes, but know that these are just thoughts. (there is a saying is Estonian that translates like this: "Human makes plans - god laughs") The only reality is now. Do things now. Even if scared, just do it.

Death note: People have the tendency to die. Value them for what they are and don't be an asshole - you might not get a chance to fix it later.

Epilogue

Do what you wish with these lessons. 

I have found them useful in my journeys. I have been doing things that I never imagined I would or even could do. I have had human encounters with strangers that have moved me from the bottom of my heart. I have shared myself with others and have gained so much back.

There is darkness in me that I cannot escape, what I can do is keep my heart warm and burning despite the dark. To be the light at the end of the tunnel.

Cheers!

Death note: CATS ARE NICE!

Some moments from FiiF 2016

So, I was at FiiF this year as a solo artist. 

As I am really struggling with expressing all of my feelings about it, I decided to just write down some moments I had. True, even here I might not get everything down right - the human emotion is way more complex than the language we have for expressing it. Also these moments will be from random locations and random times.

It is not so much for sharing with others, but mostly for myself so I could later look back and remember... and have the warm feeling inside and smile.

If you were there, maybe you will find yourself in here, but maybe not. Maybe you can connect with it, maybe not.

These are just some of the moments I had in these few days that felt like years (in a good sense). A lot of love will and should stay unwritten.

***

The game was simple: make eye contact with someone in the room an hold it for two minutes.

That was the easy part. The hard part was to feel what was happening while you were doing it.

There is no such thing than innocent eye contact, the instructor had said and he was right.

Some emotions grew from the contact. Something happened. Always.

We had done it several times already, but this time the result was unexpected.

I felt ... bad... guilty... scary even. I felt like a monster. Don't know why or how it happened, but so it was. She was scared of me and I felt it.

It is just a role, I told myself, but the more I stared the less I believed in it.

I was a monster and I felt how something moved in me from 'I don't want to be like this' into 'You want to see this? You really want to see this? Fine. I can be this'.

I could feel it in the way I stood, the way I felt, the way I stared.

Just like under-dog creates the up-dog, this connection had turned me into a beast.

I felt the side of me that was angry, brutal and raw. That was dominating and empowered. It was the primal side of me that I did not want to accept or see - my personal blind spot as Jung would say - and now someone else had just looked into it. Just like that.

"I am a monster."

"Don't hurt me anymore."

We were on the same level. We both had experienced the same thing. 

We ended this connection with reassuring hug and moved on. It took me some time to get out of this feeling. 

Then I felt grateful. 

Grateful for being seen, even like this.

*

"So here is a task for you. Be my smile man. So when there is a lot of crowd in the pub and you see me, give me a smile and a thumbs up."

"Ok, will do"

This task seemed a bit strange at first, but it turned up to be really fun.

*

It was just me and the darkness. 

I could hear people moving. I sensed caring hands stopping and guiding me and other blind shadows passing me on my way.

I didn't know how long had I walked around with my eyes closed.

Not only had I lost my sense of time like this, but also my sense of direction.

I was in a different world in a different dimension.

All I knew was that I can move and people around me will make sure that nothing bad will happen to me.

I knew I was safe.

*

"Don't dance but just move to the music. Be ugly or silly, do whatever you want" the instructor said. 

I have never felt at home with dancing. 

It just does not come so naturally. I don't feel it. But move to the music and be ugly, that I can do. Sure, that I can do.

*

"Are you all right, my dear?"

"More less, have a bit of a headache"

"Sorry to hear that"

"No worries. Just give me a hug"

*

"Don't speak. Just be here," I said and we stared into each others eyes.

We had to go on the stage soon. These were the last minutes we had in backstage.

The plan was to do a mono scene, a realistic one.

Therefore, we as humans had to be real and connected.

He seemed to be a bit surprised and uncomfortable at first, but it seemed to work and get us on the more human level. We said thank you and soon the show started.

* 

I had done it with 2 people and the hugs just did not happen. All we got was hug fails.

"Initiate hug. One, Two, Three!"

It worked this time. So did the next one. And the next one.

We sent each-other off with jazz hands.

I was surprised. 

How was it that what did not work at all with some, worked so well with others. 

*

"I really liked your style on the stage."

Had we not been in a hurry, I would have stopped right there and then. 

You liked my style?
There are 60+ actors here and you noticed me? 

And not only noticed but also liked? 

"But... but ... but ...," my brain started. I have always had difficulties with accepting compliments or positive feedback - especially when I did something that I really enjoyed.

"You do mainly long-form, yes?" she continued, not aware of the inner struggle I had.

"eh ... yes ... thank you," I blushed inside, feeling grateful.

*

Silence. 

No-one had noticed it? Or did they notice, but just did not react? Whichever it was, it was strangely liberating, that no-one commented or laughed about the sentence I had just said. A sentence that would have sounded quite wrong if used out of the context.

I used to make jokes like that. Now I did not even try, but it still sometimes happened. My brain always noticed it.

It was strange to see that my improv colleagues were not as dirty minded as I was.
(As it later turned out - they were dirty minded, but they also were polite :P )

*

"And if you don't want to be touched from some places just say it out to your partner. Otherwise they will not know. You have to communicate it. Take care of your well being yourself," I reminded to myself as I skipped half of the workshop and walked back to the hostel. 

I just could not do it, I was emotionally naked and tired. I could not concentrate. I needed some time off for myself.

The workshop I had had in the morning had changed me so much that I just could not deal with the next one. I was broken. Broken in a positive way and needed some time to put the pieces together again.

*

When I was here the last time, I had just started improvising. I was new at it and mainly did side-support. Then on a mixer show I suddenly played the main character of the story. I still remembered how scared but also supported I felt. It really was a big thing.

Now, four years later I was on FiiF stage again with the mixer and fulfilled my part as side support. 

Was this a full circle? 

I did not mind it. It was in a way even liberating just to be there without too many words or too much attention.

*

"No no no. This is the process speaking" he tapped on his head. "Now do it again and tell what you really feel. What the body is telling you. Take your time. There is no hurry"

I saw how different the outcome was. 

I saw how more real and believable it was. 

The mind can lie, but the body can not, and when the mind lies there is a conflict. 

I have seen too many situations in my life where the words that come out are not in sync with the body. How people say "I am good!" or "I love it!" in a least convincing way. 

Now I learned how to really be there and notice when something is untold. It was liberating.

*

I thought how silly or strange it might have looked like to other people.

Just a group of people standing in front of a pub, making fun at each other and then digging with imaginary shovels.

We did it whenever we went too far with the jokes. You know, digging yourself deeper when you are already in a hole. 

It was fun, but I am sure that it also must have looked a bit strange.

***

It was my first workday after the festival. 

A client joined the chat and I noticed that he had the name and location of one of the improvisers who was in FiiF. 

Sure, it was not the same person, but my heart still started to rally with joy.

Our language is strange

Usually people say that it is a bit strange that we have no future and no gender in Estonian language. That is true, we use present tense for future and when it comes to the gender, well we just hope we get it right. We have no HE or SHE, the word we use for it is gender neutral. Most of the names we have give a good hint on the gender of the person, but trust me, there is still confusion time to time. For example, there are 157 women named Rahel in Estonia, but also five men. Your assumpion of the gender might sometimes be wrong.

What I find really facinating however is the combination of dark and light we have in our language. We often combine positive and negative words together.

Hirmus Ilus - very beautyful (direct translation: scary beautyful)

Sometimes we also combine negative words to positive activity. 

Nad Muretsevad lapsi- they are trying to get children (direct translation: They are worrying children)

As I have been told, this strange combination is not unique to our language. Therefore I will not stay too long on it. What is stranger than these word combinations, are the words that can themselves be both positive and negative.

Arm - gentelness and care, love. scar

Mu Arm - my love, my darling, my scar

Can be quite confusing when you are learning the language, right? A know Estonian song  goes like this: "Head lapsed need kasvavad vitsata, arm aitab enam kui hirm" meaning something like "Good children grow without beating, scar/love helps better than fear." True, we all know that they mean love in the song, but just think about it - the whole story of the song changes when you just take the other meaning of the same word.

There is another word that shows tenderness, but can (with a small change) turn into total opposite.

Pai - gentle stroke of hair. It is something we do, to show our affection and love.

Paine - by the language rules (pai+'ne) it should mean something like "covered with the gentle strokes of hair", but don't be fooled. This word means nightmare, pressure or deep long frustration. That escalated fast?!

A strange language we have indeed.
This is end of the lesson for today.

Aitäh, mu kallis lugeja! - Thank you my dear/expensive reader!

Cheers!

Looking back at my first work experience

[ I wrote this a few weeks ago as a homework between interviews. The task itself was this: Describe your first work experience and your main learnings from it in 500 words or more. So I did. To be honest, it is not actually my first work experience, but the longest summer job I have had - so it had more of "the real job" feeling and experience, than the others. 

 As a friend mentioned that he would like to read it, I will share it also here.]

It was the summer of 2002, the end of July, and four kids, who had never met before, went to Finland to do some farm work. It wasn’t that they all had a passion for farms or any real interest in it, it was just a job – an easy way to earn some proper money. It was a temporary thing for one month.
 

We met on the day of the departure and had a 2 hour boat trip and more than 6 hours on a train, spending almost a day on travelling alone. Our bags were full and heavy. The salaries in Finland were higher than in Estonia, but so were the prices. Therefore to prevent any unnecessary expenses we took everything we needed with us. We had enough food to cover the time we stayed there. Mainly macaroni’s and cans with meat, but also some sweets in case you wanted to restore energy fast.
 

After the trip it was just the four of us. Four kids in the countryside of Finland, surrounded by forests, giant greenhouses and friendly locals. I shared a flat with another guy in our group and in addition to the rent, we also had to pay for electricity and water we used. We also got two old bicycles. While the girls in our group had a small cottage that was next to the farm, we had to ride for 20 minutes on bikes to get there. 20 minutes of riding every morning and 20 back every evening. But we also had a small benefit: there was a small shop next to our flat. While it was expensive, it was the closest shop there was.
 

Every workday started with “Huomenta” (good morning in Finnish) in the main house. Light breakfast and dark, even oil like, coffee was available for every employee. The coffee was really strong – after having a cup on the first day I stayed awake more than 30 hours. In Estonia I was used to drinking coffee, but I had never before had something so strong.
 

After the breakfast we got the instructions for the day. There was a language barrier - only one girl in our group spoke Finnish and the locals did not speak Estonian or English. Therefore a lot of tasks were instructed in Finnish with the aid of improvised hand signs and bits and pieces of English. Somehow it all worked.
 

We were extra helping hands for the busiest time period and helped out with anything they needed. On some days we packed dill and salad. First we grouped them by weight, then inserted the material to packing machine and after that collected all the ready products in a carton box. Sometimes we helped with loading trucks. On other days we collected sea buckthorns with “vahvad hanskad” (strong gloves). Even with gloves, it still took about a week for your hands to heal – the thorns were sharp and there were plenty of them.
 

Our group was not a group of friends, but a temporary collaboration – just as with the locals. In a way, it felt like exile, I was cut off from rest of the world. I did not have a mobile phone, but even if I had, it would have been too expensive to call back home. There was no internet and no computers. The only communication I had from the outside world was from my family via fax – they wrote me twice.
 

It was a long month, full of insight, solitude and thoughts. Surely I learned a lot about planning, dill, salad, packing and other farm work. I also learned not to trust Finish coffee, but I think the biggest learning I had, was about myself. How I can handle solitude and appreciate what I have, even if it is not a lot.

Püsivad ja ajutised asjad elus

Täna hommikul jõudis unesegasena mulle kohale, et mitmed asjad on minu jaoks tunnetuslikul tasandil jaotatud nö püsivateks või ajutisteks nähtusteks ning vastavalt jaotisele suhtun ma neisse erinevalt. Ma usun, et paljudel on selline jaotus ning see mutub vastavalt eluseisule.

Järgnev on lihtsalt minu hetke sisemise jaotuse peegeldus. (ja ma olen ka kindel, et kõik asjad ei tule siin kirjutades meelde).

Püsivad

SöökVõibolla on asi selles, et ma pole kunagi kogenud suurt nälga, aga söök on minu jaoks olnud alati püsiv nähtus. Ehk on see ka põhjus, miks ma söön ennast väga harva üle. Alati on midagi süüa ja kui ei ole siis saab seda juurde hankida. Sellepärast ma ei pööra söögile ka väga palju tähelepanu ning söön seda, mida on. Kui ma tõesti söön külmkapist miskit ära, mida partner tahaks ise nosida, siis jumala eest, alati saab juurde tuua - see on ju kõigest söök.
Kartulisalat näiteks on pidupäeva toit, aga eks neid pidupäevigi ole olnud niivõrd palju, et see on muutunud kuidagi ... tavaliseks.

Internet
Facebook, twitter, uudised, filmid, sarjad jne on kogu aeg olemas ja olgi, et eks ma isegi jään vahel sinna tuiama, häirib mind see ajakulu mis sinna läheb. Ega internet pole jänes, mis eest ära jookseb. Sa võid igal hetkel sellega tegeleda ning minu jaoks on see tõsiselt vajalik vaid siis, kui mul on vaja lihtsalt aega veeta (pikk bussisõit, kellegi ootamine jne) või aju mõnest muust asjast puhata.

Lugemine

Lugemisega on minu jaoks umbes sama tunnetus, mis internetiga - ajaveetmine või aju puhkamine, aga ega see eest ära ei jookse. Siin on aga konflikt, sest raamatud on siiski asjad ning asjad on minu jaoks ajutised.

 

Asjad
Asjad tulevad ja lähevad aga nende liikumine on minu jaoks justkui omamoodi konstant. Mind kuidagi segavad esemed ja asjad, mida keegi ei kasuta. Miks on mul hunnik T-Särke, mis passivad tühja, samas kui kindlasti leidub maailmas inimesi, kes neid rohkem vajaks ja väärtustaks? Iga asi mis ei ole kasutuses, on minu jaoks kuidagi ressursi raiskamine. Muidugi ma laenan oma raamatuid välja, kui ma ise neid samal ajal ei loe ja vahel ei saagi neid pärast tagasi. Kunagi oli mul terve sõrmuste isanda seeria riiulis, kõikide lisadega. Sellest on alles vaid kääbik ja kuhu ja kelle kätte teised raamatud liikusid - pole enam õrna aimugi. Ju siis kellegil teisel oli neid rohkem vaja. Olgu siis nii.
Mul on seega ka väga vähe asju, mis on sentimentaalse tähendusega ning mille kadumise või katki mineku puhul ma tõesti kurb oleksin.

 

Ajutised

Inimesed
Inimesed tulevad ja lähevad. Nii meie elus kui ka üldse elus. Väärtustagem neid, niikaua kuni nad meil on.

 

Elu

On ajutine ning olgugi, et paljude jaoks võib see tunduda morbiidne mõte, siis minu jaoks aitab see elu just pigem väärtustada.

 

Inspiratsioon

Ohoo, kui see tuleb peale, siis see on ikka korralikult peal ja nii on. See on üks nendest kohtadest mu elus, kus ma tõesti luban edal muutuda kiirrongiks, mis kihutab vaid ühes suunas, unustades mõneks ajaks kõik muu. Millegi loomine on väärtus omaette.

Võibolla on asi ka selles, et ideedel on kombeks painata ajusoppe, kuniks nad sealt välja saavad. (tõsi, vajadusel saab kasutada planeerimise taktikat. Vaatad aga ideele sügavalt otsa ja ütled: "Nii, praegu mul pole aega sinuga tegeleda, aga näe homme kell 12 on mul sinu jaoks aega. Ma panen su ilusasti siia kirja, eksole, ning selle ajani ära palun tülita mind.)

Hetk olla

See on veits kummaline värk aga mulle vahel meeldib lihtsalt olla. Olla ja tajuda. Eriti pimeduses (elagu Eesti talved). See annab kuidagi energiat, toob mind rohkem hetkesse kohale. Ei, ma ei lesi pimeduses mõeldes asjade peale, ma lihtsalt olen. Nagu omamoodi meditatsioon - pinna peal oled sa kohal aga kuskil alateadvuses saavad mõtted aega olla ning tulevad sealt hiljem oluliselt paremini välja. Sa nagu looksid tühja ruumi enda jaoks, mida on võimalik täita.

Äge oleks ka kahekesi nii lihtsalt olla, aga seda kogemust pole mul olnud.

Kontakt

See on see kui sa jagad teise inimesega (või ka mitmuses) midagi nii võimast, et ajataju kaob.
See võib olla seksuaalne kontakt, võib ka olla lihtsalt flirt ja tõmme, aga võib ka olla emotsionaalne või kummaliselt hingelis-spirituaalne kontakt. Samamoodi võib see olla mäng ja lapsik koos lollitamine. Seda on raske sõnastada. See on see peale mida sa tunned, et olid täielikult nähtud ja aksepteeritud, nii nagu sa oled oma kiiksude, veidruste ja kummaliste mõtetega. Sa tunned hinges soojust ja põlemist ning su usk inimkonda on suurenenud. Tore, noh!

See ei ole midagi sellist, mida sa saad sundida, aga kui see tuleb siis see hetk või kogemus lihtsalt ... jätab sinu sisse miski hõõguva jälje ning sind tabab soe lainetus alati kui mõtled sellele kogemusele tagasi.

Kokkuvõte

Midagi oleks nagu puudu, eksole? Mul on siin jaotus, aga puudu on seletus. 

Siin see siis on: Minu jaoks on ajutised asjad ALATI tähtsamad kui püsivad. 

Siin siis mõned näited:
* Olles inspireeritud ja loomingutuhinas või mõne inimesega kandvas kontaktis (ka impros juhtub seda tihti), ei oma söök tähtsust, ma lihtsalt unustan selle - kui see tunne enam ei kanna, vot siis võib kõht tühjaks minna.

* Kirehoos (kontakt) ei oma tähtsust asjad, mis ette jäävad. Kui need lähevad katki, siis need lähevad katki - alati saab uued osta ning siis pole need mitte lihtsalt uued asjad vaid uued asjad, millel on oma lugu rääkida, mis teeb seest soojaks.

* Ma ei suuda täielikult mõista probleeme emotsioone, mis on seotud minu jaoks püsivate asjadega. Midagi läks katki ja see ei ole sentimentaalse väärtusega? Savi, ostame uue, kui on vaja. Sööki on vähe, fain pood on lähedal jne. Vahel on mul isegi raske mõista teiste tugevaid emotsioone selles vallas, sest mul neid lihtsalt ei ole (eks igaühel ole omad prioriteedid)

* Kahekesi koos filmi/sarja vaatamine või üksteise otsas lösutades raamatu lugemine on küll äärmiselt tore tegevus ... tihti (aga mitte alati!) istub mul sellel ajal kuskil ajusopis segav tunne, et me raiskame aega ja elu. Selle tegevuse asemel võiks olla nii palju enamat. Raamatud, filmid, sarjad - need ei kao kuhugi. Inimesed samas - nii mina kui ka persoon mu kõrval - on ajutised. Võiks hoopis teha midagi koos ning olla täielikus kontaktis. No kui nüüd mõtlema hakata siis eks mõne filmi lõpp on jäänud kunagi ka nägemata sest kirehoog tuli peale, aga see on hoopis teine jutt.

Muidugi, jah, kui valik langeb mitme ajutise väärtuse vahele, siis see on juba keerulisem ning oleneb täielikult hetke vajadustest ning sisemisest puudujäägist - elik, mis on see, mida mul kõige rohkem hetkel vaja on.


Sellised mõtted siis tänasest hommikust. Millised on aga sinu püsivad ja ajutised asjad elus?

Cheers!

 

Keskea kriis

Enne sünnipäeva sattusin lugema miskit artiklit keskea kriisi kohta. Ei mäleta enam täpselt, kus ja mida (seega viidata ei saa). Küll aga salvestasin ma sealt posu küsimusi ning mõtlesin nüüd, et võiks need tegelikult ju hoopis siia üles pista. Täitsa pädevad küsimused mille üle mõtiskleda.

Millise tundega ma elan oma igapäevast elu?
    Mis on mulle tähtis; mis teeb mind õnnelikuks; kuhu ma panustan aega ja raha ja millistesse projektidesse, suhetesse ja inimestesse panustan oma energiat?
    Kuidas on seis minu tööalase eneseteostusega?
    Milline on minu rahaline seis?
    Kui rahul olen ma oma koduga?
    Millest annab märku minu tervis; mida ma söön; kuidas ma liigun, puhkan, hingan?
    Millised on minu suhted ja miks?
    Milliseid suhteid ma tahaksin?
    Kas ma hoolitsen oma hinge eest ja kuidas?
    Ega ma liiga tõsiseks täiskasvanuks pole hakanud: millal ma viimati olin õues paljajalu, mängisin kellegagi padja- või lumesõda; puhusin seebimulle, paitasin kutsikat või laulsin duši all? Millal ma viimati südamest naersin, nii et pisarad silmanurkades?
    Mis tasakaalustab mind, kui olen stressis või kurnatud?
    Milliseid harjumusi ma tahaksin asendada ja millega? Mis aitab mul oma harjumusi muuta?
    Kas ma tegelen oma uskumuste ja hirmude analüüsimise ja muutmisega, emotsioonide valitsemisega?
    Kui mu elu läheb edasi nii nagu seni ja seda veel 5–10 aastat, siis kuidas ma ennast tunneksin?

On Humor, Again

Yesterday I watched Patch Adams, a Robin Williams movie, that had been in my waiting list for a really-really long time. I don't know why I did not pick it up earlier, it was good.

After the movie I checked out the real Patch Adams and ended up with watching a full 2 hours lecture with him. While I have never been in a clown uniform, there was so much I could relate to, so much I believed to be true, so much that made sense. It was inspiring. Here are some thughts inspired from it.

Connection
In his opinion a lot of so called illnesses can be healed by simple but real human connection. Depression is just a feeling of deep loneliness. All you need for not being alone is a friend, one real friend. How do you know that you have a real friend? If thinking about this person makes you feel better, calms you down, fills your heart with warmth, he is a friend.
 

What he did not really say out is that you also need time. Without taking time to connect, there will be no connection.

 When he agrees to be your family doctor, he will have a interview with you that lasts at least 4 hours (you can only imagine how much he knows about you after that time) and after that he will come to your home and poke around in your stuff. Why? Because he believes that being a family doctor is a job for a lifetime, a deep connection and friendship for a lifetime. To have a connection you must share yourself.


Connection is one thing I have mentioned several times. I value it highly and I share it. Just as a hospital clown notices a sad person and goes to help him, so do I. True, I'm not in silly clothes and maybe I don't know what I am doing, but as soon as I see someone sad, I want to connect with him. It is nowdays even easier with te internet. I can just ping him and listen with heart full of compassion, maybe share some experience of my own. That's it. It does not have to be much, but it makes a difference and I just want to do it.


Hugging is also important. Long hugs, where you feel the following three things, are the best: I am fully giving;I am fully receiving; Damn, this is nice! Hugging is a full contact with your full body and mind. Strange to think that I have hugged so much in my life and there are some hugs that I will always remember. The hugs that made you forget space and time, where you could just go on forever, that is just two people sharing the moment.

I don't get it when people get bored during a hug or try to just get done with it, especially when there is no hurry.

Is there really something more important than human connection?


Laughs

Why do I tweet but do not update comicz page a lot or even do not write regular blog posts? Not that anyone has ever asked. What has been asked is why I have so many social outputs in internet at all. I have several friends who even do not have a Facebook account (real friends not made up ... Yes THEY really do exist) and I totally understand why. So often FB is just a waste of time.

Still, back to the main question: Why oh why do I tweet?

The following story might explain it.

We had a really long ride in the bus, five bloody hours. I was listening to music and thinking random thoughts while my friend next to me tried to knit. Suddenly I got a thought that was just so random, but in a way funny - I immediately posted it to Twitter and then went back to listening music. After a few minutes my friend checked the internet on her phone and burst out laughing.

"Where the hell do you get these ideas?"  she asked.
"I have no idea, they just come up in my head," I shrugged.

 I get random ideas and thoughts, that make me smile, but that burst of laughter is the reason why I share them.

I have developed my sense of humor since I was eleven. Humor helps us to cope with life, with the darkness of it all. After almost two decades of practicing with jokes my brain already has some idea on how to find them or put them together. It is not so conscious as I would like but it definitely works. Finding the strange silly connections is almost automatic.

As the teachers used to say "Would like to share with the whole class what you are laughing about?" Well, thank you for asking. Yes. Yes I would.

Maybe the joke is funny. Maybe the person reading the joke finds it funny. Maybe he has had a really merde (pardon my French) day and this was the first time he smiled during the day? Who knows? But if I have the option to make someone smile, laugh out with tears or bring them closer to Zen enlightenment, I will do it.

Yeah, I try to make the world a better place with one smile at a time. Why not, eh?
It does not take a lot to make someone smile and it is worth it.


Fool

Often, while making a joke, there can also be a backlash - you can make a fool of yourself.

A lot of us have a fear that we don't want to seem stupid, however this risk is always there when you make fun. Humor often comes from the childish part of us that asks silly questions orhave strange ideas that do not make sense.

Consider this joke: A gecko claps only once in a lifetime and after that it is in constant "excellent" mode.

We know that geckos have no idea of what clapping is, so this is already absurd. We know from biology that if a gecko should put his hands together, they are not really glued together. So this statement is false on so many levels.

However, it is something we can imagine when we turn to our inner child. Imagine a gecko who is watching a really good show... Lets say that on telly or in theatre, laughs really hard and claps and ... Darn! Hands are glued together. Forever! Urrghh!

So, a person reading this sentence might think that it is funny, but he might also think that it is false and, as I am the one sharing this false information, I must be stupid.

Jokes are often unreal combinations of different things we notice in life, they don't have to be true, they have to be funny. Still, believe me or not, I have seen several discussions that have started from a simple joke of mine and that try to find the truth. I am always surprised by it. Why people do it? Is truth really more important than being happy? For real?

And the important question is: Can a mime rhyme?

Cheers!

Sain Sepikuks

Kuivik veel ei ole, aga sepik juba küll. Nii on. Ma sain taaskord vanemaks ja seekord tuli ette uus kümnend.Kuigi ma väga sünnipäva tähistamist ei armasta, siis seekord mõtlesin asja siiski natuke suuremalt ette võtta. Sai süüa, juua, head seltskonda ja meelelahutust. Kõigil külastajatel oli saabumisel kohustus närida ka nostalgiat. Mäletate ehk, et kunagi olid sellised kõvad magusad nätsupallid? Neid leiab endiselt, kui väga otsida ja ega nad ajaga väga palju kõvemaks pole läinud.

Meelelahutuseks oli väike minupoolne kokkuvõte oma eluperioodist. Tõsi, kuna ma siiralt pelgasin, et see võib olla täielik jura, siis palusin ka oma improteatril hiljem miskit teha - noh, et olukorda leevendada.

Kokkuvõte oli otseloomulikult powerpoint. Oli naljakamaid ja vähm naljakamaid lugusid elust enesest, mille vahel olid kokkuvõttevideod erinevatest kümnenditest. Kuna tekkis ka niisama möla, siis lõikasin selle välja ja pistsin ülejäänud kokku. Ehk siis siin on terviklahendus koos videote ja jutuga.




Ja kuna klippide lõikamine paistab olevat mu põhitegevuseks vimasel ajal (niipalju, et mõned sõbrad soovitasid hakata sellega raha teenima, sest asi paistab olevat käpas ... ja et kui ma selle vana arvuti ja Windows Movie Makeriga selliseid kombosid teha oskan, mida ma suudaks veel korraliku varustusega, eksole?), siis lõikasin kokku ka klipi sellest, kui imbetsillselt ma ikka räägin, kui närv on sees.

Mis teha, vanadus, asjad ei tule enam meelde. Äää eee jah.




NB! Enamikes klippides on Copyright asju sees, seega on nende vaatamine mõnes riigis blokitud. Sorry selle pärast.

Uskumused ja tegelikkus

[Spoiler: võib olla raske tekst. Emotsionaalselt siis]

 

Meil on niivõrd palju arvamusi ja uskumusi peas kinni, et tihtilugu on isegi raske märgata, et paljud neist ei ole tõesed. Vahel aga tulevad hetked, kus sa oled sunnitud neile kaine peaga otsa vaatama ja neid vaidlustama.

Ma mäletan kuidas aastaid tagasi müüs üks sõber tänavafestivalil pannkooke ja tundus olevat muidu kah õnnelik. Tollal tundus see kuidagi kummaline, sest oli teada, et ta oli töötu. 

Aga miks ei võiks töötu inimene olla õnnelik?

Praegu, olles juba mõnda aega üritanud maailmast ja endast aru saada, näen ma väga ehedalt, kui palju on meie peas tegelikult tööga seotud uskumusi ja arusaamu. Ma ei käi tööl, aga rahalist ressurssi on. Seega peaksin ma olema nagu noor varss karjamaal, kargama suurest õnnest üles ja alla, hüüdes maailmale "Vabadus!". Tegelikult passin ma aga enamiku ajast üksinda kodus ja nokitsen. Mida ma nokitsen? Pole tähtis. Tähtis on see, miks ma nokitsen. Mis ma nokitsen? Sest kui ma ei tee midagi, voolab mu aju täis paralüseerivat häbi ja viha ise-enese vastu. Seega on tegutsemine nagu enese alalhoiu instinkt.

Millest tekib see häbi ja viha kompott, mis võtab ära kogu jõu ja jaksu? Sellest, et ühelt poolt ma väga nagu ei tahakski veel kellast kellani kuskil laua taga passida. Teisalt aga ... peaks. Õige mees teeb tööd. Õige mees kasutab oma andeid ühiskonna hüvanguks. Õige mees toob koju raha. Kes ei tööta, see ei söö. jne. Ma ei tea, kas need uskumused on pärit kodusest või sotsiaalsest kasvatusest. Küll aga on mõju see, et ma ei ole vaba. Ma olen täiesti paralüseeritud tegelikkuse ja sisemaailma konfliktist.

Maailm suhtub minusse aga peamiselt nagu ma oleksin seesama varss, kes kalpsab uljalt põllu pääl. Rääkida sellest kui halvasti ma tunnen ennast, sest ma ei käi tööl, tundub absurd. Sa ei pea iga hommik vara ärkama, võid magada kaua tahad, võid teha mida tahad. Kuidas sa julged ennast halvasti tunda? Häbi peaks olema! 

No ja on ka. 

Mitte ainult selle pärast et ma tööd ei tee vaid ka selle pärast et ma ei suuda olla piisavalt vaba, et seda olukorda nautida ja jõuda kulminatsioonini, peale mida oleks hea tagasi minna. Seega häbi sellest, et mul on häbi poolt põhjustatud tegutsemisvõimetus. (mis muidugi suurendab veel võimetust, mis suurendab veel häbi, mis uurendab veel võimetust jne)

Vahepeal on olnud isegi nii mustad mõtted, et ma imestan, et ma veel elus olen. (kohusetundest paljuski. Elukindlustus katab suitsiidi alles alates sügisest ja no nii tõbras ma ka pole, et jätaks selle tagasimakse ainult partneri peale.) Kõlab tumedalt, eksole, aga vähemalt hoiab elus. Ma võin olla kohutav inimene, aga mitte nii kohutav. Vajuv inimene klammerdub selle külge, mis teda sel hetkel hoiab, ja kui see ongi sel hetkel vaid kohusetunne korterilaenu ees, olgu see siis nii.

Sellises seisus on näoraamatu vaatamine vahel täiesti massohistlik. Kõik teevad midagi, asjatavad ringi. Esinevad, säravad, reisivad, naudivad elu. Ja mina? Käisin Taimaal ning seal olles suutsin läbi lugeda kaks raamatut - mis äkki ei ole just parim reisikirjeldus. Ma ei ütle et see poleks olnud tore, aga midagi minus oli veel kinni.

Vahepeal olen ma proovinud seda sisemist häält ka trikitada. 

Mida õige mees veel teeb peale töö?

Remonti!

Selge, remonti on vaja teha küll ja aega selle jaoks on.

Kui aga jalg oli paistes ja tervis käest ära, ei saanud sedagi teha. Pagan, esimesel päeval ei suutnud ma nii kaua püstigi seista, et endale hommikukohvi teha. See oli agoonia. Psühholoogiliselt eriti. Lihtsalt ei suuda midagi teha. Isegi nutta mitte. Põletik võttis liikumisvõime ja ravimid lükkasid pea tühjaks. Pole siis ka ime, et ma vihaseks sain kui vanemad külla tulid ja paps otsustas 3 tundi järjest ehitusest rääkida - see oli niigi minu jaoks raske teema.

Esmaspäeval mässasin jälle remonti teha. Tervis päris 100% korras polnud, aga ikkagi. Järgmine päev valutasid kõik lihased. Pingutasin üle. Proovisin kaotatud aja tagasi teha, aga päris nii see ikkagi ei käi. Mört hakkab ka otsa saama ning kaasehitajad leidsid, et enne juurde ei osta, kui mu tervis päris korras on. "Hei! Aga minu psühholoogiline tervis? Mul on vaja seda teha! Mul on vaja tunda ennast vajalikuna!" - kriiskas hääl minu sees.

Okei, kui nüüd aus olla, siis see mõttemuster on vaikselt muutumas. Vaikselt, aga siiski. Pisikesed sammud, et tekitada taas huvi maailma vastu. Pisikesed sammud, et võtta vastutust ja rakendada oma loomingulist poolt. Pisikesed sammud, et tekitada uudishimu. Pisikesed sammud, et taastada elulusti. Pisikesed sammud, et saada kodust välja ja lihtsalt teha midagi. Samuti reaalsuskontrollid oma mõtetele: Kas mu sõprade jaoks on tegelikult tähtis kas ja mis tööd ma teen või on nende jaoks tähtis see, milline inimene ma olen? Kas mul on õigus tunda ennast halvasti, kui paljud arvavad, et ei ole? On mul õigus abi küsida? Kas ma võiksin näiteks teha erinevaid juhutöid ja selle kõrval remonti ning loomingu ja eneseväljendusega tegeleda? Kas ma saaks nii rahaliselt hakkama? Kes keelab elada nii nagu sa õigeks pead? Kes vastutab minu elu eest?

Cheers!

Saabuvast Sepikuks Saamisest

Mulle ei meeldi sünnipäevad.

Ärge saage valesti aru - teiste omad meeldivad ikka. Kes siis ei tahaks salatit, viinerit, morssi ja kringlit sisse ajada? Näidake mulle seda inimest. 

Teiste omad on toredad, aga enda omad on kuidagi... ma ei teagi. 

 Võibolla on asi selles, et sünnipäev on natuke nagu jõulud - palju sotsiaalseid käitumisnorme. Ei ole? Noo, kuidas sa reageeriksid kui sinu kolleeg hakkaks keset tööpäeva nutma? Okei, mõtle selle peale. Nüüd lisa juurde see, et tal on sünnipäev ning just pool tundi tagasi käisid kõik teda õnnitlemas ja sinagi viskasid käppa ja andsid väikese küpsise. Muudab nii mõndagi, eksole.

Ma ausalt üritan olla aus inimene, aga ma vist ei oska veel olla nii aus, et julgeksin tunda ennast täielikult vabalt jõulude ja sünnipäeva ajal. Sinult ikkagi oodatakse mingit tüüpi käitumist ja olekut.  Ja ma olen vihastunud oma sünnipäeva ajal, oi kuidas ma olen vihastunud ... aga sinna see ka jäi. Viisakas nägu ja läheme asjaga edasi.

Samas kas pole sünnipäev ka see aeg kui peaks tegema tagasivaate ja ehk natukene nukrana enda tundma kõige möödumise ja muutumise pärast? 

Ma ei tea.

Kunagi ma pidasin sünnipäevi omas kodus. Saatsin kutsed, tegin süüa, hankisin jooki. Täis ettevalmistus, mille käigus sai arvestatud ka erinevate inimeste söögieelistustega (see on suur asi, arvestades seda, kui laisk ma olen). Pean aga tõdema, et pidudest endast mäletan ma suhteliselt vähe. 

Küll aga ma mäletan seda tunnet kui kell lõi seitse (või mis iganes kutsel peo alguseks oli märgitud) ning ma olin üksi koos hunnikutes kartulisalatiga, mida sai terve päeva tehtud ja mõtlesin paanikas, et mida ma sellega siis teen, kui kedagi ei tulegi kohale. Ja äkki ei tulegi. Äkki ma ei ole tähtis. Äkki ma olen halb sõber. Äkki ma olen lihtsalt munn (pardon!).

Selleks ajaks kui esimene külaline poole tunnise hilinemisega kohale jõudis, olin ma ennast oma peas juba nii üksikuks ja auku mõelnud, et ei suutnud enam pidu täiel rinnal nautida - energia oli otsas. Kaput. Pole siis ka ime, et kui pidu kuhugi edasi liikus jäin mina vaid ohke saatel koju nõusid pesema. Ainus lootus oli see, et külalistel oli äkki tore. Mina olin väsinud.

Mis teha, eks igaühel on oma mindfuck ja minu oma paistab töötavat just sünnipäeva aegu.

See on ka üks neid põhjuseid, miks viimastel aastatel olen ma teinud laisa mehe sünnipäeva. Olen kuulutanud välja, et sellel õhtul võib mind kohata seal pubis ja kõik. Kes tahab ja/või saab, see tuleb. Muidugi on nii juhtunud igasugu kummalisi asju, On peolauas olnud inimesi, keda isegi ei tunne ning jututeemadeks on olnud täiskasvanute mähkmed (ajab ikka jooma, kui selline teema tuleb letile su 25dal sünnipäeval).

Seekord proovib teisiti. Seekord proovib teha ettevalmistust. Seekord proovib võtta asju rahulikult. Seekord võtab abilised. Seekord on parem. Kindlasti. Siiski vaja ju tähistada sepikuks saamist.

Cheers!

PS: Üks eelmise aasta meeldejäävamaid sünnipäevu oli venna oma. Ega see ei olnud ju midagi väga erilist, aga muhe seltskond ja muhe olemine. Pealegi sai ta just eelmine päev uuesti isaks. Ning mind ajas püsivalt naerma see, et niivõrd heal päeval oli tema telefoni helinaks endiselt see. Lihtsalt selle laulu algus tundus niivõrd mittesobiv selliseks päevaks ning tuletab vast igavesti seda meelde.

Huumorist ja Deadpool'ist

Mõned päevad tagasi sai vaadatud Deadpool'i ning peale seda jäin ma pikemalt mõtlema huumori peale. 

Ma julgen siinkohas väita, et üks suur põhjus, miks see film (ja tegelaskuju) oli nii hea ja nauditav, oli huumori varieeruvus.

Kuna ma ei taha kellegi jaoks filmielamust rikkuda, ei hakka ma stseene lahti lõikuma ja filmist täpseid näiteid tooma, küll aga räägin huumorist üldiselt.

Mis on naljakas?

Kogenud stand-up artist Iliza Shlesinger mainis kunagi ühes intervjuus, et peamiselt on olemas kahte tüüpi nalju. On naljad, mille puhul publikul on äratundmishetk ning on need mille naljakaks komponendiks on ootamatus. Ma lisaks, et need kaks ei ole ilmtingimata vastandid. Pigem tasuks neid kahte ehk isegi kombineerida ning liigutada nalja sujuvalt nende vahel, pakkudes variatsiooni, äratundmist kui ka ootamatust. (no kes samasugust nalja koguaeg ikka tahab ... ai pagan, kesse räägib.)

Äratundmise naljad

Kõige lihtsamal kujul on tegemist sellega, kui sa näed midagi laval ning noogutad omaette, et jaa nii on. Artist saab näiteks lavale tuua inimeseks olemise igapäevaelu. Ta võib juhtida tähelepanu mingitele pisidetailidele, mis meile endale märkamatuks on jäänud või mängida mingeid detaile üle, et neid rõhutada. Tihti ei loo ta midagi uut vaid näitab juba olemasolevat vana lihtsalt teise nurga alt (natuke nagu ajalehed peale suurt skandaali) - see ongi tema kunst, märgata ja näha asju, mis on olemas, ning neid välja öelda.

"Eile läksin piima ostma, ning te ei kujuta ette, mis järjekorrad olid. No muidugi kõigist kümnest kassast töötas vaid viis ning iseteenindus oli remondis. 

Olete märganud, et kui poes on pikad järjekorrad, siis me kõik muutume äkitsi järjekorra ekspertideks? Kõige lühem ei ole alati kõige parem. Tähtis on see, kes on sinu ees. Kas on käru või on korv. Kui palju asju seal korvis on? jne..."

Klassikaline äratundmisnali. Mis aitab veel kaasa, on see kui lähed personaalseks ja detailidesse. Publik saab kaasa elada.

"See tundub perfektne järjekord..., kui ei oleks seda tädikest. Tal võib kohmitsemisega aega minna. Aga näe, ostab ainult purgi kassitoitu, äkki pole hullu. Mis kuupäev üldse on? Kuu lõpp? Tasuks pensionäre vältida, viimasest pensionist on nii-kui-nii alles vaid sendid ning nende lugemine võtab aega.

Ahaa! Kassa, kus üheks ostjaks paistab olevat punase näo, vaeghambumuse, tuntava lõhnabuketi ja kulunud tuulejopega meesterahvas, käes kolm kaheliitrist õlut. Paljud ei taha sinna lõhna pärast minna, aga kogemus on näidanud, et nende sellidega saab kiiresti - kas neil on täpne raha või ei ole üldse raha. Kui õlle jaoks midagi leitakse, siis enamasti täpselt, üle kohe kindlasti ei ole. 

Pagan, aga äkki ta on juba võtnud ja on jube sõbralik ja hakkab seal kõigiga juttu ajama."

Äratundmisnalja suur pluss on see, et sa saad rutiini luua suhteliselt kergesti. Sul ei ole vaja midagi uut toota. Mida paremini sa suudad tuua sisse seda, mida juba teatakse, seda parem.

Panite tähele, et tekkis ka omamoodi muster? (Hea järjekord, siiski mitte, hea järjekord, siiski mitte...) Selle asja nimi on improlaval mäng. Seda, juba tekkinud, mustrit saab edasi arendada, miski hetk näiteks lõpetada ja kunagi hiljem tagasi tuua ning ka see on äratundmise huumor - mäng sellele, mida juba teatakse.

Filmis (endiselt no spoilers) on näiteks palju vihjeid näitleja enda eelmistele rollidele, eelmistele X-man maailma filmidele jne, mis on naljakad, kui oled eelmisi asju näinud. Tihtilugu on need nagu peidetud pisidetailid, mis jäävad muidu märkamatuks, aga kui sa tead mida otsida, on väga äge äratundmishetk.

Ootamatu pöörde naljad

"Sa jooksed ühe kassa juurest teise kassa juurde. Tõmbled ringi, valid ja proovid leida parimat, et kiiresti poest välja saaks. Ning enne kui sa sellest aru saad oled sa juba kassa valimise peale kulutanud nii palju aega, et piim mille sa ostsid on halvaks läinud.

(publiku vaatamise paus)

Kas teil on ka seda juhtunud?"

Ehk siis juhtub midagi ootamatut ja jaburat. See ei pea olema liialt realistlik ega tõene pööre (enamasti ei olegi). Küll aga, kui nali on üles ehitatud kindlale rutiinile ja maailmale, peab ta olema piisavalt tõene antud maailmas. Näites kasutasin ma piima halvaks minemist, mis pole väga reaalne, aga on siiski kuidagi usutav. Kui ma aga oleksin sisse toonud elevandid ja tulnukad, oleksin ma liialt palju loodud taustsüsteemi murdnud ning nali ei oleks olnud enam naljakas (ka praegu polnud väga, aga see on kõigest näide, ära tõmble).

Ootamatu pöörde nurgas asuvad kõik sketšid ja ühelauselised naljad (one-liners nagu "Taimaal pekki minna oleks irooniline."). Sul ei ole sketši jaoks vaja muud infot, kui üldarusaam tegelastest, asukohast ja olukorrast. Kaasa elamine tegelastele ei ole eesmärk ning tihti isegi vähendab selle naljakust.

Empaatiavõime võib eriti mittekohane olla, kui tegemist on musta huumoriga. Mäletan, et kunagi vaatasin saadet Heeringas Veenuse Õlal ning naersin miski surma teemalise sketši üle südamest. Siis aga tuli ootamatu kainushetk ning ma mõtlesin, kui traagiline oleks see olukord, kui see oleks päris elus. See ei oleks naljakas. See oleks kurb ja taktitu.

Ootamatuid pöördeid oli ka Deadpooli filmis omajagu. Nii verbaalselt, visuaalselt, kui ka tegevusliinis, aga see kõik oli siiski usutavates piirides.

Kuskil seal vahel

Tõsi, tihti on naljad ka kusagil hämaralas nende kahe vahel. Ma ei teagi kuhu täpselt pista Deadpool'i kommet rääkida otse publikuga ning murda seinu, samas kui ükski teine tegelane ei ole publikust ega sellest et ta on filmis/koomiksis teadlik. Otse publikuga rääkimist on filmides üldiselt vähe ning seinade murdmist samamoodi. Teatris on omajagu. 

Isiklikult mulle näiteks meeldib kui laval improviseeriv tegelane (stand-up või impro) suudab sisse tuua miski segaja millest me kõik teadlikud oleme. Näiteks kui keegi publikus köhib mitu korda kõvasti keset improviseeritud stseeni kahe sõbraga, kellest üks on teisel külas, oleks väga lahe see sisse tuua nii: "See oli mu üürnik kõrvaltoas. Ma pole teda peaaegu üldse näinud, hoiab omaette. Ööd läbi mängib arvutis ja päeviti magab... aga arved on makstud, nii et on okei ... Heli järgi ütleks, et ta on haigeks jäänud." 

Või siis kui väljast tuleb keset vaikset stseeni miski mürisev heli, mida ka publik kuuleb: "Sorry, see on mu kõht. Käisin eile tex-mexis ... ei olnud hea mõte... endiselt mässab." Publik naerab, lavapartner noogutab mõistvalt kaasa ning minnakse stseeniga vanast kohast edasi. (Mulle meeldib see impropõhimõte, et kasuta laval ära kõik mis on ning ära üle tooda. Ka segaja on laval. wink wink.)

Selles naljas on sees nii äratundmine (me kõik publikus kogesime seda ja teame millest sa räägid) ja ootamatu pööre (segaja defineerimine teise rolli).

Kindlasti on nalju, mida on oluliselt keerulisem nende kahe kasti vahel liigutada ning nendel kahel kastil on ka omajagu alamkaste (mõned tulid ka jutu käigus välja). Erinevatele inimestele meeldib erinev huumor - Deadpool aga teenindab mitmes vallas.

Miks mulle meeldib käia sekspoodides

See ei tulnud vist üllatusena? Mõne jaoks ikkagi tuli? Nojah siis. Igatahes nii see on ning külastatud on neid poode nii Eestis kui ka välismaal. Enne kui keegi mind selle pärast shopahoolikuks ristib pean välja ütlema, et ostnud olen ma siiski suhtliselt vähe asju ning pealegi leidub ka erandeid - mitte kõik sekspoed pole meeldivad

Esimest korda käisin ma ühes sekspoes teismelisena. See oli veel Pärnus. Üks inimene meie sõprusringkonnas (mida me tollel ajal nimetasime Kommuuniks, olgugi et kõik ikkagi kõigiga ei seksinud, aga nagu ma oluliselt hiljem teada sain siis khm omajagu asju oli küll. Mina lihtsalt ei olnud osa nendest asjadest) sai täisealiseks ning selleks oli tarvis sobilikku kingitust. Nii mängisime meiegi piisavalt täisealisi, ning sukeldusime poodi, millest eelnevalt olime vaid mööda käinud - üks sõber, kelle juures me tihti aega veetsime, elas poe kõrval. Meid oli mitu, kuid ma mäletan, et ma olin ainus kes suutis kingituse valimisega tegeleda, samas kui teised näitasid näpuga erinevate müügiartiklite peale ning kihistasid omaette itsitada. Tõsi, ka mina ei teadnud tollel ajal milleks kõiki neid asju kasutatakse, aga see ei ajanud mind naerma. Ma võin olla väga nilbe huumoriga, aga ma suhtun seksi tegelikult väga tõsiselt ning tegin seda mingil määral juba siis.

Tagantjärgi võin öelda, et selle Pärnu poe puhul oli tegemist ühe klassikalise mittehubase keldriga, millest enamiku võtsid enda alla VHS pornofilmid. Kas on asi selles, et pornot on tänapäeval niivõrd kerge internetist leida, aga sellised umbsed ja üldsegi mitte hubased (minu kogemuse järgi vähemalt) underground (ehk siis keldris) sekspoed on hakanud minu arust ära kaduma. Tõsi, ka Tallinnas olen ma hiljem käinud ühes samas stiilis poees ning see oli lihtsalt õõvastav. Mitte selle pärast, mida seal müüdi vaid selle pärast, kes (või mis?) neid asju müüs: arusaadavalt võltspäevitusega porgandi värvi ebamäärases eas naisterahvas neoonvärvides liiga pikkade (juba küünise mõõdus) kunstküüntega ning üleni leopardi laigulises riietuses. Võhh.

Sellele tagasi vaadates ning teiste kogemustega võrreldes võin ma kirjeldada, milline on minu arvates kõige meeldivam sekspoe müüja:

* Esiteks näeb ta välja nagu suvaline inimene tänaval. Ei midagi erilist, selle kõige paremas mõttes. See inimene võib olla sinu naaber, sinu tädi, sinu koolikaaslane või sõber. Sugu ega vanus ei mängi rolli niikaua kuni ta on täisealine. Ta on inimene nagu sina ning ka riietub suht keskmiselt. Nii ala või ülepakkuv riietus võib tekitada tunde, et kas sina või tema, aga üks teist on kindlasti väga vales kohas. Vormiriietusel ei ole aga intiimsemat tüüpi sekspoes kohta.

* Teiseks, ta teab, mida ta müüb. See ei tähenda, et ta on kõike proovinud, mis lettidel on, küll aga on ta arvatavasti mingil määral eksperimenteerinud. Kindlasti on ta lugenud erinevate inimeste tagasisidet ja arvamusi. Ta on seksuaalselt kogenud inimene, kes teab et inimese seksuaalsus on kirju ning häbeneda pole miskit. (ega seksuaalselt ebatolerantne inimene sinna vist tööle ei lähegi)

* Kolmandaks, ta suudab rääkida asjadest nii nagu on, häbenemata mingeid sõnu kasutada. Ei ole midagi kummalisemat kui sekspoe müüja, kes proovib sulle läbi lillede kirjeldada mõne vidina funktsionaalsust ja/või eesmärki. Mitte ainult pole see tobe vaid sellest on ka jube raske aru saada ning pole siis ju ime kui sa pärast miskit persse keerad (pun intended).

* Neljandaks on midagi, mida on kuidagi raske seletada. See on see, kui müüja pakub sulle kohvi. Või see kui ta küsib, isegi selle peale naerdes, et ega teil juhuslikult abikätt vaja pole. Ta on inimlik, sõbralik, võibolla natuke tobe, aga kindlasti päris ja kontaktivõimeline. Võimalik, et klient on väga häbelik ning sõna-aher, sel juhul on ju tema tööks olukord normaliseerida, juhtida vestlust õiges suunas ning leida kliendile sobiv lahendus. Sa ei saa kontakti kui sa ise seda ei paku.

Jah, see ei olnud mitte viimane kord, kui ma käisin sekspoes kingitust ostmas ning kui ma õigesti mäletan, ei olnudki see väga midagi erilist, mis me sealt tookord ostsime: peenise kujuline metallist võtmehoidja. Kes seda veel ei teadnud, siis enamikes sekspoodides on ka nö pila-nurk: koht kus on lihtsalt igasugu vidinaid, mis on täis täiskasvanute huumorit (näiteks joogikõrred, mille ots on peenise kujuga või tantra täringud jne). Mõned neist võivad tõesti olla tobedad, aga vahel on ka päris kavalaid ja kelmikaid asju. Pealegi võib nii mõnigi sealne asi seltskonna käima tõmmata - ega ma nilbet huumoritki ju päris niisama tee. Vahel avab see inimesed (icebreaker) ning peale selliseid teemasid on neil lihtsam omavahel rääkida ükstaskõik millest. See on nagu mingis äärmuses ära käimine, selleks et tava-asju oleks lihtsam rääkida.

Igatahes olen ma sekspoodides käinud nii üksi, seltskonnaga, partneriga kui ka lihtsalt sõbrale toeks. Leidub inimesi, kes on küll uudishimulikud, aga üksinda ei julge. See on okei. 

Ei, ärge saage minust valesti aru. Ma ei roni sekspoodi niipea kui mul vaba aega tekib, vaid siis kui on vaja või on tuju. (ning äkki aasta jooksul ei satugi kordagi, aga võibolla satub mitu korda). Ka poode on erinevaid. On neid, mis rõhutavad hubasusele ja kvaliteedile ning neid, mis rõhuvad kvantiteedile. Viimased ei ole just mu lemmikud. Ei ole midagi mitteseksikamat, kui käia külmetavaid dildosid täis kõledas ja jahedas laoruumis. Selles lihtsalt puudub intiimus ja lähedus. See intiimsus, mis ehk paneks sind midagi ostma või üldse läheduse ja seksi peale mõtlema. Samas kui seal on soe, sametist kardinad ja uhke tapeet, on tunnetus hoopis teine. Tõsi, pood mida ma külastasin Riias oli midagi intiimse poe ja laoruumi vahepealset. Dekoratsioone põhimõtteliselt ei olnud, aga kõik oli ilus ja korralik nagu tavalises poes ning müüjad sõbralikud ja abivalmid (ja said ilusasti inglise keelegagi hakkama). Ei olnud mingit kõledust ega ebamugavust ja see ehk ongi kõige tähtsam. Kuna seks on paljude jaoks veel tabuline teema, on minu arust väga tähtis, et klient ei tunneks ennast sellises poes ebamugavalt või imelikuna.

Ma olen täheldanud, et korralikus sekspoes käimine on kuidagi rahustav. Ma näen seal kui kirju ja mitmekesine võib olla inimene ning seda kuidas seda kõike aksepteeritakse. Tõsi, kuskil maal on muidugi ka piir (ka minul - ma tean see tundub uskumatu) ning ühes Inglismaa poes vaatas müüja mind küll kahtlase pilguga ja mingi hetk küsis mu T-särgi kohta, et mida see tähendab. Siis hammustasin ma läbi - mul oli seljas särk tekstiga The Nursery (see on ühe sealse improkooli nimi, samas aga tähendab see ka lasteaia sõime. Väiksed lapsed ja sekspood ei sobi ka minu arvates kokku.) Naljakas lugu, eksole. Samal reisul avastasin ma, et ma tean nendest asjadest, mis müügil on kuidagi palju. See juhtus umbes nii:

Läheneme seltskonnaga mingile viriinile. "Misasi see veel on?" küsib üks rikkumata tütarlaps. Seletan kuhu see asi pistetakse ja mida sellega tehakse, rõhutades et mõnele pakub pinget selline värk - maitse asi. Reaktsioon: "Eeeeeh...ahah...okei". Liigume järgmise vitriini juurde ja kordub sama, ning siis järgmine ja siis järgmine...

Kentsakaid juhtumisi ja kokkulangemisi on muidugi veel olnud. Näiteks sain ma kunagi telefonikõne sõbralt, kes helistas, sest tahtis minna sekspoodi. Üksi ei tahtnud minna - koos on julgem. Mida tal vaja oli? Anaaltappi. Mis tänaval olin ma seda kõne vastuvõttes? Ahtri. Lihtsalt ilus kokkulangevus.

Ma ei ütleks, et ma selles teemas miski ekspert oleks. Ka mina ei kujuta endiselt ette kuidas mõningaid asju, mis müügil on, täpselt kasutatakse, või kes neid kasutab, aga see kuidagi ei häiri mind. Inimese seksuaalsus on minu jaoks huvitav (vt seda inglise keelset postitust). Igaühel on omad kiiksud ning sellised poed paistavad just toituvat nende kiiksude pealt, normaliseerides neid. Ega pood ju ei osta sisse asju, mida keegi ei osta või mille vastu klientidel huvi puudub. Sa võid häbeneda ise oma voodielu või kahtlaseid soove, aga sellises poes oled sa üks paljudest klientidest ning üldse mitte nii hirmus või teistsugune. Sa oled aksepteeritud nii nagu sa oled ja see on tähtis. Need poed on selles mõttes brutaalselt ausad kohad.

See variatsioon, avatus ja tolerants, mis korralikes sekspoodides on, on kuidagi julgustav. See näitab, et meil on lootust ja et me suudame leppida ja hakkama saada üksteiste erinevustega ning see, kulla lugeja, ongi vist kõige tähtsam põhjus, miks mulle sekspoed meeldivad.

Tomorrow Never Dies

I did several tests for the career counselling session I had this week and it reminded me something that has haunted me my whole life. As it turned out from the results I am gifted in several areas (math, language, logic, etc), I have good boundaries, I like to help people, I am empathic and compassionate, I am passionate and inspiring plus many other traits we would concider good ones. Even my self respect wasn't too bad. According to the counselor, these are the traits that make people walk through solid stone wall if they have a destination set. The problem is - I don't. and this is not a new issue.

All hail the present!

I am the kind of peson who preaches on concentrating on present and there is a valid reason why. Being stuck in the past is not a way to keep going (have been there, do not reccomend), being set on a future might, but I don't have one and have never had one. Present time is all I have ever had and I try to normalize it for myself.  To tell myself that this is normal with whatever cost. It is not. I pity the people who have only future and cannot feel the present, but they could aswell pity me. The truth is that we need both present and a sense of future to function properly.

It has been sientifically proven that most of our dreams and thoughts about our future will be incorrect, however even so the idea of having a future /a dream is an empowering one. You have purpose. You have hope. You have your path to be passionate about. You know what you want.

I don't have dreams. True, I have had some thoughts on what I'd like to do (like writing), but I have never been able to vison myself in future. I remember one English class in gymnasium times where we talked about what we will do when we are old - what I described was not so much a dream but a real person who was old and whom I respected (Sir Terry Pratchett). It was all I could think of. I have tricked myself several times to take the someone elses life as my future, but as you could expect it does not really work - people are not identical.

I used to think that it was just a side-effect of depression that I could not see the future and it will pass at some point, but as it turns out it doesn't - I did not have a sense of future as a kid and I did not learn how to have it, so I still have no future.

The price

Like everything else it has its pros and cons. On good days I value people, relationships and moments as if it will all be gone the next day - I value what I have as long as I have it for sure while accepting that change is the only universal constant. I can be truly grateful an humble. I love these days and these moments. They are real and human and I would not mind if there would be no tomorrow after it. Also a positive thing is that I like to take arguments and conflicts head on - if there is no future, there is no time to fix them later. On these days I value life and beauty in all forms.

On bad days however I see no point in myself, others or anything at all - it all will pass anyway, why bother. On these days it might be extremly difficult to do even just the simple and small things (like taking a shower). I call them depressive episodes and if there are too many I will set up a time with therapist. She already knows what the topic will be about. It is my theme - the extreme passion and passiveness about life. I have a big will to live that is balanced out only by the same amount of wish not do - I think that it all comes down to the same reason. I usually feel that I can handle the price, but there are times when I am not sure.

What an awful waste

True, there have been moments in my life where I have had tasks and plans (finishing school, etc) and felt passion and hope, but as soon as the task is done I have no purpose anymore as there is no higher goal. I have also had periods in my life when I have had calendars full with smaller tasks - I still had no future, but it all worked and balanced itself out somehow. Maybe it also helped that I did not have any time to think about it. However keeping yourself busy all the time is just a coping technique, not a solution. It is like playing computer games. The reason I like RPG games is that you have missions to do, a goal. However when the game is over your life is just as empty as before.

Sometimes I feel that I am just wasting my time and talents just because I don't know what to do. I have no purpose, no big picture, no future.The life I have at the moment is not not thanks to the great plans or ideas I had as a kid but thanks to my flexibility, likable personality and loads of good luck. Thats it.

I have several friends who seem to have the same problem: the have buttload of talent, but no sense of future. Therefore there cannot be any ambitions and they have not had the luck I have. I am sad to see them in the same simple jobs for years and years, while they could possibly do so much more.

Then I think about myself - I am in no way better, just luckier.

What now? 

I don't know.  According to some sience I am in an age where most of my personality is already set, however this is one thing that I would like to change. It is turning into a too big of a burden. The question is not what to do, but  how to do it. 

How does one create a future where there has been none? We shall see.