Tomorrow Never Dies

I did several tests for the career counselling session I had this week and it reminded me something that has haunted me my whole life. As it turned out from the results I am gifted in several areas (math, language, logic, etc), I have good boundaries, I like to help people, I am empathic and compassionate, I am passionate and inspiring plus many other traits we would concider good ones. Even my self respect wasn't too bad. According to the counselor, these are the traits that make people walk through solid stone wall if they have a destination set. The problem is - I don't. and this is not a new issue.

All hail the present!

I am the kind of peson who preaches on concentrating on present and there is a valid reason why. Being stuck in the past is not a way to keep going (have been there, do not reccomend), being set on a future might, but I don't have one and have never had one. Present time is all I have ever had and I try to normalize it for myself.  To tell myself that this is normal with whatever cost. It is not. I pity the people who have only future and cannot feel the present, but they could aswell pity me. The truth is that we need both present and a sense of future to function properly.

It has been sientifically proven that most of our dreams and thoughts about our future will be incorrect, however even so the idea of having a future /a dream is an empowering one. You have purpose. You have hope. You have your path to be passionate about. You know what you want.

I don't have dreams. True, I have had some thoughts on what I'd like to do (like writing), but I have never been able to vison myself in future. I remember one English class in gymnasium times where we talked about what we will do when we are old - what I described was not so much a dream but a real person who was old and whom I respected (Sir Terry Pratchett). It was all I could think of. I have tricked myself several times to take the someone elses life as my future, but as you could expect it does not really work - people are not identical.

I used to think that it was just a side-effect of depression that I could not see the future and it will pass at some point, but as it turns out it doesn't - I did not have a sense of future as a kid and I did not learn how to have it, so I still have no future.

The price

Like everything else it has its pros and cons. On good days I value people, relationships and moments as if it will all be gone the next day - I value what I have as long as I have it for sure while accepting that change is the only universal constant. I can be truly grateful an humble. I love these days and these moments. They are real and human and I would not mind if there would be no tomorrow after it. Also a positive thing is that I like to take arguments and conflicts head on - if there is no future, there is no time to fix them later. On these days I value life and beauty in all forms.

On bad days however I see no point in myself, others or anything at all - it all will pass anyway, why bother. On these days it might be extremly difficult to do even just the simple and small things (like taking a shower). I call them depressive episodes and if there are too many I will set up a time with therapist. She already knows what the topic will be about. It is my theme - the extreme passion and passiveness about life. I have a big will to live that is balanced out only by the same amount of wish not do - I think that it all comes down to the same reason. I usually feel that I can handle the price, but there are times when I am not sure.

What an awful waste

True, there have been moments in my life where I have had tasks and plans (finishing school, etc) and felt passion and hope, but as soon as the task is done I have no purpose anymore as there is no higher goal. I have also had periods in my life when I have had calendars full with smaller tasks - I still had no future, but it all worked and balanced itself out somehow. Maybe it also helped that I did not have any time to think about it. However keeping yourself busy all the time is just a coping technique, not a solution. It is like playing computer games. The reason I like RPG games is that you have missions to do, a goal. However when the game is over your life is just as empty as before.

Sometimes I feel that I am just wasting my time and talents just because I don't know what to do. I have no purpose, no big picture, no future.The life I have at the moment is not not thanks to the great plans or ideas I had as a kid but thanks to my flexibility, likable personality and loads of good luck. Thats it.

I have several friends who seem to have the same problem: the have buttload of talent, but no sense of future. Therefore there cannot be any ambitions and they have not had the luck I have. I am sad to see them in the same simple jobs for years and years, while they could possibly do so much more.

Then I think about myself - I am in no way better, just luckier.

What now? 

I don't know.  According to some sience I am in an age where most of my personality is already set, however this is one thing that I would like to change. It is turning into a too big of a burden. The question is not what to do, but  how to do it. 

How does one create a future where there has been none? We shall see.