Miks mulle meeldib käia sekspoodides

See ei tulnud vist üllatusena? Mõne jaoks ikkagi tuli? Nojah siis. Igatahes nii see on ning külastatud on neid poode nii Eestis kui ka välismaal. Enne kui keegi mind selle pärast shopahoolikuks ristib pean välja ütlema, et ostnud olen ma siiski suhtliselt vähe asju ning pealegi leidub ka erandeid - mitte kõik sekspoed pole meeldivad

Esimest korda käisin ma ühes sekspoes teismelisena. See oli veel Pärnus. Üks inimene meie sõprusringkonnas (mida me tollel ajal nimetasime Kommuuniks, olgugi et kõik ikkagi kõigiga ei seksinud, aga nagu ma oluliselt hiljem teada sain siis khm omajagu asju oli küll. Mina lihtsalt ei olnud osa nendest asjadest) sai täisealiseks ning selleks oli tarvis sobilikku kingitust. Nii mängisime meiegi piisavalt täisealisi, ning sukeldusime poodi, millest eelnevalt olime vaid mööda käinud - üks sõber, kelle juures me tihti aega veetsime, elas poe kõrval. Meid oli mitu, kuid ma mäletan, et ma olin ainus kes suutis kingituse valimisega tegeleda, samas kui teised näitasid näpuga erinevate müügiartiklite peale ning kihistasid omaette itsitada. Tõsi, ka mina ei teadnud tollel ajal milleks kõiki neid asju kasutatakse, aga see ei ajanud mind naerma. Ma võin olla väga nilbe huumoriga, aga ma suhtun seksi tegelikult väga tõsiselt ning tegin seda mingil määral juba siis.

Tagantjärgi võin öelda, et selle Pärnu poe puhul oli tegemist ühe klassikalise mittehubase keldriga, millest enamiku võtsid enda alla VHS pornofilmid. Kas on asi selles, et pornot on tänapäeval niivõrd kerge internetist leida, aga sellised umbsed ja üldsegi mitte hubased (minu kogemuse järgi vähemalt) underground (ehk siis keldris) sekspoed on hakanud minu arust ära kaduma. Tõsi, ka Tallinnas olen ma hiljem käinud ühes samas stiilis poees ning see oli lihtsalt õõvastav. Mitte selle pärast, mida seal müüdi vaid selle pärast, kes (või mis?) neid asju müüs: arusaadavalt võltspäevitusega porgandi värvi ebamäärases eas naisterahvas neoonvärvides liiga pikkade (juba küünise mõõdus) kunstküüntega ning üleni leopardi laigulises riietuses. Võhh.

Sellele tagasi vaadates ning teiste kogemustega võrreldes võin ma kirjeldada, milline on minu arvates kõige meeldivam sekspoe müüja:

* Esiteks näeb ta välja nagu suvaline inimene tänaval. Ei midagi erilist, selle kõige paremas mõttes. See inimene võib olla sinu naaber, sinu tädi, sinu koolikaaslane või sõber. Sugu ega vanus ei mängi rolli niikaua kuni ta on täisealine. Ta on inimene nagu sina ning ka riietub suht keskmiselt. Nii ala või ülepakkuv riietus võib tekitada tunde, et kas sina või tema, aga üks teist on kindlasti väga vales kohas. Vormiriietusel ei ole aga intiimsemat tüüpi sekspoes kohta.

* Teiseks, ta teab, mida ta müüb. See ei tähenda, et ta on kõike proovinud, mis lettidel on, küll aga on ta arvatavasti mingil määral eksperimenteerinud. Kindlasti on ta lugenud erinevate inimeste tagasisidet ja arvamusi. Ta on seksuaalselt kogenud inimene, kes teab et inimese seksuaalsus on kirju ning häbeneda pole miskit. (ega seksuaalselt ebatolerantne inimene sinna vist tööle ei lähegi)

* Kolmandaks, ta suudab rääkida asjadest nii nagu on, häbenemata mingeid sõnu kasutada. Ei ole midagi kummalisemat kui sekspoe müüja, kes proovib sulle läbi lillede kirjeldada mõne vidina funktsionaalsust ja/või eesmärki. Mitte ainult pole see tobe vaid sellest on ka jube raske aru saada ning pole siis ju ime kui sa pärast miskit persse keerad (pun intended).

* Neljandaks on midagi, mida on kuidagi raske seletada. See on see, kui müüja pakub sulle kohvi. Või see kui ta küsib, isegi selle peale naerdes, et ega teil juhuslikult abikätt vaja pole. Ta on inimlik, sõbralik, võibolla natuke tobe, aga kindlasti päris ja kontaktivõimeline. Võimalik, et klient on väga häbelik ning sõna-aher, sel juhul on ju tema tööks olukord normaliseerida, juhtida vestlust õiges suunas ning leida kliendile sobiv lahendus. Sa ei saa kontakti kui sa ise seda ei paku.

Jah, see ei olnud mitte viimane kord, kui ma käisin sekspoes kingitust ostmas ning kui ma õigesti mäletan, ei olnudki see väga midagi erilist, mis me sealt tookord ostsime: peenise kujuline metallist võtmehoidja. Kes seda veel ei teadnud, siis enamikes sekspoodides on ka nö pila-nurk: koht kus on lihtsalt igasugu vidinaid, mis on täis täiskasvanute huumorit (näiteks joogikõrred, mille ots on peenise kujuga või tantra täringud jne). Mõned neist võivad tõesti olla tobedad, aga vahel on ka päris kavalaid ja kelmikaid asju. Pealegi võib nii mõnigi sealne asi seltskonna käima tõmmata - ega ma nilbet huumoritki ju päris niisama tee. Vahel avab see inimesed (icebreaker) ning peale selliseid teemasid on neil lihtsam omavahel rääkida ükstaskõik millest. See on nagu mingis äärmuses ära käimine, selleks et tava-asju oleks lihtsam rääkida.

Igatahes olen ma sekspoodides käinud nii üksi, seltskonnaga, partneriga kui ka lihtsalt sõbrale toeks. Leidub inimesi, kes on küll uudishimulikud, aga üksinda ei julge. See on okei. 

Ei, ärge saage minust valesti aru. Ma ei roni sekspoodi niipea kui mul vaba aega tekib, vaid siis kui on vaja või on tuju. (ning äkki aasta jooksul ei satugi kordagi, aga võibolla satub mitu korda). Ka poode on erinevaid. On neid, mis rõhutavad hubasusele ja kvaliteedile ning neid, mis rõhuvad kvantiteedile. Viimased ei ole just mu lemmikud. Ei ole midagi mitteseksikamat, kui käia külmetavaid dildosid täis kõledas ja jahedas laoruumis. Selles lihtsalt puudub intiimus ja lähedus. See intiimsus, mis ehk paneks sind midagi ostma või üldse läheduse ja seksi peale mõtlema. Samas kui seal on soe, sametist kardinad ja uhke tapeet, on tunnetus hoopis teine. Tõsi, pood mida ma külastasin Riias oli midagi intiimse poe ja laoruumi vahepealset. Dekoratsioone põhimõtteliselt ei olnud, aga kõik oli ilus ja korralik nagu tavalises poes ning müüjad sõbralikud ja abivalmid (ja said ilusasti inglise keelegagi hakkama). Ei olnud mingit kõledust ega ebamugavust ja see ehk ongi kõige tähtsam. Kuna seks on paljude jaoks veel tabuline teema, on minu arust väga tähtis, et klient ei tunneks ennast sellises poes ebamugavalt või imelikuna.

Ma olen täheldanud, et korralikus sekspoes käimine on kuidagi rahustav. Ma näen seal kui kirju ja mitmekesine võib olla inimene ning seda kuidas seda kõike aksepteeritakse. Tõsi, kuskil maal on muidugi ka piir (ka minul - ma tean see tundub uskumatu) ning ühes Inglismaa poes vaatas müüja mind küll kahtlase pilguga ja mingi hetk küsis mu T-särgi kohta, et mida see tähendab. Siis hammustasin ma läbi - mul oli seljas särk tekstiga The Nursery (see on ühe sealse improkooli nimi, samas aga tähendab see ka lasteaia sõime. Väiksed lapsed ja sekspood ei sobi ka minu arvates kokku.) Naljakas lugu, eksole. Samal reisul avastasin ma, et ma tean nendest asjadest, mis müügil on kuidagi palju. See juhtus umbes nii:

Läheneme seltskonnaga mingile viriinile. "Misasi see veel on?" küsib üks rikkumata tütarlaps. Seletan kuhu see asi pistetakse ja mida sellega tehakse, rõhutades et mõnele pakub pinget selline värk - maitse asi. Reaktsioon: "Eeeeeh...ahah...okei". Liigume järgmise vitriini juurde ja kordub sama, ning siis järgmine ja siis järgmine...

Kentsakaid juhtumisi ja kokkulangemisi on muidugi veel olnud. Näiteks sain ma kunagi telefonikõne sõbralt, kes helistas, sest tahtis minna sekspoodi. Üksi ei tahtnud minna - koos on julgem. Mida tal vaja oli? Anaaltappi. Mis tänaval olin ma seda kõne vastuvõttes? Ahtri. Lihtsalt ilus kokkulangevus.

Ma ei ütleks, et ma selles teemas miski ekspert oleks. Ka mina ei kujuta endiselt ette kuidas mõningaid asju, mis müügil on, täpselt kasutatakse, või kes neid kasutab, aga see kuidagi ei häiri mind. Inimese seksuaalsus on minu jaoks huvitav (vt seda inglise keelset postitust). Igaühel on omad kiiksud ning sellised poed paistavad just toituvat nende kiiksude pealt, normaliseerides neid. Ega pood ju ei osta sisse asju, mida keegi ei osta või mille vastu klientidel huvi puudub. Sa võid häbeneda ise oma voodielu või kahtlaseid soove, aga sellises poes oled sa üks paljudest klientidest ning üldse mitte nii hirmus või teistsugune. Sa oled aksepteeritud nii nagu sa oled ja see on tähtis. Need poed on selles mõttes brutaalselt ausad kohad.

See variatsioon, avatus ja tolerants, mis korralikes sekspoodides on, on kuidagi julgustav. See näitab, et meil on lootust ja et me suudame leppida ja hakkama saada üksteiste erinevustega ning see, kulla lugeja, ongi vist kõige tähtsam põhjus, miks mulle sekspoed meeldivad.

Tomorrow Never Dies

I did several tests for the career counselling session I had this week and it reminded me something that has haunted me my whole life. As it turned out from the results I am gifted in several areas (math, language, logic, etc), I have good boundaries, I like to help people, I am empathic and compassionate, I am passionate and inspiring plus many other traits we would concider good ones. Even my self respect wasn't too bad. According to the counselor, these are the traits that make people walk through solid stone wall if they have a destination set. The problem is - I don't. and this is not a new issue.

All hail the present!

I am the kind of peson who preaches on concentrating on present and there is a valid reason why. Being stuck in the past is not a way to keep going (have been there, do not reccomend), being set on a future might, but I don't have one and have never had one. Present time is all I have ever had and I try to normalize it for myself.  To tell myself that this is normal with whatever cost. It is not. I pity the people who have only future and cannot feel the present, but they could aswell pity me. The truth is that we need both present and a sense of future to function properly.

It has been sientifically proven that most of our dreams and thoughts about our future will be incorrect, however even so the idea of having a future /a dream is an empowering one. You have purpose. You have hope. You have your path to be passionate about. You know what you want.

I don't have dreams. True, I have had some thoughts on what I'd like to do (like writing), but I have never been able to vison myself in future. I remember one English class in gymnasium times where we talked about what we will do when we are old - what I described was not so much a dream but a real person who was old and whom I respected (Sir Terry Pratchett). It was all I could think of. I have tricked myself several times to take the someone elses life as my future, but as you could expect it does not really work - people are not identical.

I used to think that it was just a side-effect of depression that I could not see the future and it will pass at some point, but as it turns out it doesn't - I did not have a sense of future as a kid and I did not learn how to have it, so I still have no future.

The price

Like everything else it has its pros and cons. On good days I value people, relationships and moments as if it will all be gone the next day - I value what I have as long as I have it for sure while accepting that change is the only universal constant. I can be truly grateful an humble. I love these days and these moments. They are real and human and I would not mind if there would be no tomorrow after it. Also a positive thing is that I like to take arguments and conflicts head on - if there is no future, there is no time to fix them later. On these days I value life and beauty in all forms.

On bad days however I see no point in myself, others or anything at all - it all will pass anyway, why bother. On these days it might be extremly difficult to do even just the simple and small things (like taking a shower). I call them depressive episodes and if there are too many I will set up a time with therapist. She already knows what the topic will be about. It is my theme - the extreme passion and passiveness about life. I have a big will to live that is balanced out only by the same amount of wish not do - I think that it all comes down to the same reason. I usually feel that I can handle the price, but there are times when I am not sure.

What an awful waste

True, there have been moments in my life where I have had tasks and plans (finishing school, etc) and felt passion and hope, but as soon as the task is done I have no purpose anymore as there is no higher goal. I have also had periods in my life when I have had calendars full with smaller tasks - I still had no future, but it all worked and balanced itself out somehow. Maybe it also helped that I did not have any time to think about it. However keeping yourself busy all the time is just a coping technique, not a solution. It is like playing computer games. The reason I like RPG games is that you have missions to do, a goal. However when the game is over your life is just as empty as before.

Sometimes I feel that I am just wasting my time and talents just because I don't know what to do. I have no purpose, no big picture, no future.The life I have at the moment is not not thanks to the great plans or ideas I had as a kid but thanks to my flexibility, likable personality and loads of good luck. Thats it.

I have several friends who seem to have the same problem: the have buttload of talent, but no sense of future. Therefore there cannot be any ambitions and they have not had the luck I have. I am sad to see them in the same simple jobs for years and years, while they could possibly do so much more.

Then I think about myself - I am in no way better, just luckier.

What now? 

I don't know.  According to some sience I am in an age where most of my personality is already set, however this is one thing that I would like to change. It is turning into a too big of a burden. The question is not what to do, but  how to do it. 

How does one create a future where there has been none? We shall see. 

4 Life lessons from longform improv

I have written many times how doing improv theater can improve the quality of your life. It can give you group support, connection, place to be silly and spontaneous. There is also a psychological benefit to it all and I am not only talking about using improv as therapy for people with social anxiety. I feel that implementing what you do on stage in your everyday life can often have a positive influence your mental well-being. 

Decrease the suffering

One of the main ideas of improv is supporting your partner. The easiest way to do it, is with "yes, and" - accept your partners idea and add something of your own. Your ideas might be good, but the same can be true about your partner. The aim is to let go of your expectations and ideas to create something together and hope for the best. You have to be flexible and ready to let go.

I have seen many scenes that start with an actor miming something on stage and the next person coming up and defining what he/she is miming. I have been on both sides. The thing is that the definition given to the mime work is not always the same that the person doing it had in mind and then the magic happens - you have to let go of your own ideas and collaborate to find the best reality for the scene.

I think that using this attitude in your daily life can have a big difference.

All of Buddhism starts with the observation that life is suffering. The meaning of this is that we increase suffering when we expect things to go a certain way and hold on too tightly to our plans. We are often holding onto our plans for a perfect life or perfect outcome. When we accept that our path is unique and that many things on our path will be unplanned, we reduce our suffering and increase our happiness.

Focus on what is important

I find Kurt Vonnegut's 8 Basics of Creative Writing really useful, both while writing and while on stage. One of them states: "Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water." That is a good tip to keep in mind while playing a character.
 

When you see a longform improv show, it might seem too real to be created on the spot. A friend of mine, who has seen several of our shows did not believe that it was all made up on the spot, until he attended a few improv workshops and understood some of the techniques we used.

The thing is that as an actor you cannot notice or remember everything that happens on the stage - it is just impossible. However when you are doing a longform play that has one main narrative, it is good if you can at least act as if you do know what is going on. How can you do it? The best way, in my opinion, is to focus on the character. When a scene, that your character is not part of, is taking place, look at it from your characters point of view - what is important for your character, what details can you use, how would he react to this information, etc. Do not try to remember everything, only the information relevant to your character and his needs.
 

The same attitude can and should be used in  real life. You do not have to do everything - focus on what is really important to you. What do you want out of life? What is most important to you? (If you are not sure on how to answer these questions, chapter 12 of the free book 7 Cups for the Searching Soul might be helpful.)


Growth comes with hard times

Another good advice from Vonnegut's creative writing tips is "Be a sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them—in order that the reader may see what they are made of." What I would like to add, is that audience loves seeing this development on stage.

The easiest way to do it on stage, is with side support. Is there something that is not properly defined, that might add a lot more reality to it? Go on and define it. What about the characters on stage, how could you support them? If there is a character who is really irritated when he is interrupted, maybe give him interruptions, so he could play it out. If a character is uncomfortable around statues, then why not make sure that there are a lot of statues around him.

Sometimes adding only one small detail can have a major effect. I recently saw a scene where a boy who was scared of sexy, strong and intimidating women was on a date with a girl. The actor playing the girl knew it and used really strong and powerful body language (sitting like a man etc). This however was not enough and the real twist came when side-support defined that the girl was also wearing a miniskirt. One small detail made all the difference.

So, if the character is scared of something - make sure it happens to him, so he could deal with it and grow while doing it. 

Problems have disguised value. They are actually very helpful and should be treasured. We struggle to see problems as valuable because we are too busy trying to avoid or ignore them. However you cannot ignore them forever - they will re-appear again and again until you resolve them. Hard times are good, because they force us to grow, change and turn into better people.


Appreciate the journey

It is true both in life and on stage: at some point the lights will go off and the show is over. We all know it. There is a beginning and there is an end. All we can really do is try to give our best. There will be ups and downs. Beautiful moments that fill your heart with joy and warmth and difficult times that bring you down. We are not perfect. We are not rational. We are not robots. We are human and we do all the silly things that humans do, but that is enough. It must be enough.

You cannot win in life or in improv, but you can always appreciate the journey with all that it brings.