Maa ja taevas

 Maa vaatas pilvetompusid, mis tantsisid ringi, uudistades, otsides ja avastades. See tegi seest soojaks.

Maa mäletas, mida tähendas noor olla.

Ta mäletas ka Taevast noorena. Nad tegid pilved koos, see oli vesi neist mõlemast. 

Nüüd oli vett vähe. Kaevud olid tühjad. Plved aga juba tehtud.

Kui ka Maa küsis vihma, sai Taevas pahaseks. “Kas sa muust kui vihmast ei mõtlegi?” urises ta. “Sul on endal ju kah vett.”

Vahel ta aga leebus, minnes Maa sooviga kaasa. Maa proovis selle ajaga end täis saada, kuid vesi lihtsalt haihtus kuivanud vallide vahele. 

“Sa oled täitmatu,” urises Taevas kui Maa juurde küsis.

Ja ühest päevast alates Maa enam ei küsinud. 

Ta proovis endiselt kasvatada lilli ja taimi Taevale imetlemiseks, sest see oli tema Taevas. Ta jagas ka oma veenatukest pilvetompudega, teades ise, et seda oli liialt vähe. 

Kuid ta teadis, et see ei saa nii jääda.

Tema äärtesse olid tekkinud liivavallid, alad, kus enam midagi ei kasvanud. Iga päevaga muutusid need suuremaks. Ta teadis, et üks päev ta ei vajanud enam vihma, siis kui temast oli alles vaid liiv.

Let's talk about suicide

[spoiler warning: includes serious topics and silly memes]

No, my friend, you should not be alarmed about this title.

Why? Because it exists and the ones who have not yet seen the beast might be more easily consumed once they fall into the trap. So we must talk about the beast.

Also, because it is something that is in my mind on the back-burner. The thought of killing myself has been on quick-dial in my brain for most of my life. It is often my first thought when I feel I failed, when I feel lonely, when ... well, it depends on my mental and life state at that exact moment. Sometimes it comes only once a month, sometimes several times in one day. But the demon is true and it is there... and the demon is part of me. Even with therapy, I have not been able to get rid of it, only to accept it's existence and find ways to handle it. 

But why this post?

This year has been hard. Extremely hard. For a lot of people. 

Our lives were disturbed by Covid and then the war. Not that neither of them have disappeared, but right now they don't seem so relevant anymore (in our brains at least) and many of us try to go back to our "normal lives". To the life we had before the disturbances happened. The problem is that we have not had a "normal life" for a few years now and don't know how to do it.
For me "going back to normal life" meant that I had to finally start working on something that had been waiting for even a longer time. Before Covid hit we had renovations and other tasks that just took all the attention, time and brain processing power. This year, 5 years too late, I finally had the mental resources to properly deal with the suicide of my best friend. And as some of you know, this was not my first rodeo. I have been "in the topic" for a long long time already.
However it is the first time in my life when this "Taboo topic for oh so many" has popped up in several areas of my life. I have never before heard about so many losses to the beast within my acquaintances and friends of friends.

Hence, this post here. This poorly written bundle of words that tries to make a small positive change. Maybe it helps. Or maybe, in case you have the demons, you at least have the assurance that you are not the only one.
Cheers! Do your best and don't give in. No, I don't want to guilt shame you or anyone into staying alive. Only to remind you that you are connected to people - if you want it or not. If you disappear, it will create an empty hole and cracks around it that that have sharp edges and will cut the people closest to you for years to come. Trust me. So if the dark tentacles come, try to procrastinate.
Surviving one moment with "nah, not today" will give you one more day of life. Do that long enough and you might die of old age before you kill yourself... and who knows, maybe you will even enjoy the ride.

So, here are some things that I have noticed that work for me (next to the procrastination).

Give your brain a bone

Your brain is messy and it creates stuff. It's its job to create stuff. Sometimes it has the tendency to create 
stuff that is not good. So, why not give it a task. Something that takes the creativity that your brain might use poorly and will use it for something good instead. 
It can be the task of noticing certain positive elements every day or it can be the task of writing a book or making art. Whatever floats your boat. The point is to move the focus to something that is better than the default setting of your brain. Even if it is silly and unpractical. 
You know the story about two wolves living in the heart of every man? Yeah, feed the right one. If possible, give it also something with a meaning. If not, silly is also totally fine. As long as it has a bone to chew on, it is fine.

Ignore the pain

This one might cause shame for many, and complications in the long run, but it is totally fine to sometimes just ignore the pain.
Do you know what I did on the day I learned about my best friends suicide? I went to the birthday party of another friend, just so I could feel normal again. Even if just for a bit. 
Our brain needs rest from pain. It is fine to give it to it. Not a strong face that stays there forever (as if nothing bad happened), but a break from the agony, that will give us the energy to deal with it.
Humour is a good distraction.
So is reading.
 Doing theatre or being playful might work. Playing music or listening to it. Sex possibly.
I'm sure you have your own ways, I'm just here to remind you of them.
Do something that you might enjoy even if you feel terrible.

Talk about it

Therapy of course would be helpful, but it's tricky, I know. Finding the right therapist and the cost etc. It can be a real struggle. I personally have been rather lucky in that area.

However talking bluntly and honestly with your friends can also be helpful. Assuming that they have the capacity to listen. Looking at the rates in our little country, it is very likely that someone in your close circle has been impacted by mental issue or someones suicide. And even if not, death is a universal thing that we will all face at sone point. We all will face the dark.

You are not alone. You just need to find your own tribe.
I know it is scary and you will fail and will feel broken. But when you finally find someone who can really listen with no judgement... to be truly connected with someone with all your flaws... I think it is worth it.
We are all humans and surprisingly similar.

Don't be an ass

Generally a good idea I think.
Essentially, even if you need to hide in a cave sometimes, don't burn the bridges - you might need these bridges later. Bridges are what people use and as a social creature you actually need people.
It's fine to take some alone time and close the bridge but NEVER destroy it.

Also this is where you can turn your demon into a strength. Yes life is unfair and enraging at times and sad and silly and stupid... But you know that people die. You know that you will die. You have that insight.
So maybe... while you are still alive... you can try to be kind. Why waste the short time we have on this planet on making other people feel terrible?

Also, if possible, try to not leave things unsaid. You might not get second chances. It might not be that the demon takes you - sometimes just life sucks.
And if that is awkward and odd... that too is fine. Imagine people remembering you as someone who was awkward and silly but honest and kind. Would you not prefer that instead of being remembered as an ass?

Tomorrow You

Even if you don't really care about yourself today, try to care about the person you are tomorrow.
Even if you don't care about your home right now, the tomorrow you might.
Even if you are not hungry, the tomorrow you will be grateful for the sandwich. So why not make him a sandwich
This also means signing up for events that tomorrow you might like even if today you want nothing to do with them. Just trust your gut feeling and sign up and do your best to attend.

Don't overthink it

Life is messy and so are you. There are things you can do and things you can not.
You cannot solve everything, neither should you. Thinking and worryn over things you cannot change will not make it better.
You do you, the best you can and that is good enough.
Don't stress too much about the rest.

Taking the last point into consideration, I think that's all I can think of. 
Stay safe.
Stay weird.
Stay alive.

Signed by Tim and his Demon

Väike jõululugu

"Mu sussis polnudki täna midagi?!"
Lapsevanemad vahetasid süüdlaslikke pilke.
"Ahm, sellega on nii et... emme-issi tulid eile õhtul väga hilja koju."
"Ja me vist kogemata hirmutasime päkapiku ära nii hilise tulemisega."
"Jah just! Ma märkasin miskit punast sähvatust öösel"
See kõlas ju päris hästi.
"Aga minu kommid? Äkki ta ei julgegi rohkem enam tulla."
"Küll ikka julgeb." Lohutas ema.
"Tuleb vabandada ja öelda, et rohkem nii ei tee!" teatas laps võidurõõmsalt.
"Noh, sul on ju õigus, kullake, kuid kuidas saame me päkapiku ees vabandada. Me ju ei näe teda," kohmetus isa.
Laps ohkas ja pani lauale paberi ja pliiatsi.
Vahel olid vanemad ikka nii totud.

Santidest ja tulevikust

Kui ma olin väike, sai iga aasta Marti jooksmas käidud ning vahel ka Katri. Minu vanemate jutu järgi olid Mardipäeval kõik mehed ja Kadripäeval kõik naised. Õppisin ka seda, et kunagi olid ka hingesandid, kes hingedepäeval sama meetodiga ringi jooksid, kuid see komme oli juba enamuses unustuste hõlma vajunud. Nüüd paistab, et Kadrisantidega on juhtunud sama, mis Hingesantidega ning ka Martidel pole vast enam pikka pidu loota.

Ajad muutuvad, nii ka kombed kas kohanevad või hukkuvad. 

Vanaisa meenutuste järgi osalesid Mardipäeval nii noored kui vanad ning noos jagati pärast ühiselt kogu külaga. Minu noorusajal oli see, mis sa kokku kraapisid ikkagi sinu leid, ning hambaid purev näts, millel ka kleeps ümber oli igati parem noos, kui õunapunn.

Halloween, mis noh originaalis oli vabsee midagi muud, on kohanenud lausa häirivalt palju ning ajanud juured pea igasse kultuuri kas vähemal või rohkemal määral sisse. Pole ka imestada, seda mainitakse import multikates ja filmides, see on hea rahvusvaheline tava mida pidada rahvusvahelises firmas, lisaks saab lihtsasti igasugu kraami üle ilma turustada. Mis kraami? Noh, ikka need nüüdseks kokku lepitud sümbolid, mis Halloweeniga koos käivad: kõrvitsad, kondid ja nõiad. Mardipäevaga oleks sellist asja üsna jant teha. Esiteks seleta välismaalastele, mis tava see on. Teiseks tee meediat kus see kajastub. Kolmandaks, Jysk ei hakka Mardipäeva eel kohe kindlasti mitte libakasukaid ja karvamütse turule tooma.

On ilmselge, et kui meil kõigil ei tule just ootamatut rahvuskommete uhkust ja nostalgiat peale, ei jää sellest tavast just palju alles. Oluliselt lihtsam ning laste jaoks toredam on ju olla Disney printsess, keda sa telekas nägid, ning küsida uksel "Komm või pomm." Kellel siis on mahti miskit õnne soovida, laulda, tantsida, mõistatusi esitada - see kõik on ju raske töö. Ja teha seda veel kandes rasket kasukat (mille vastu oled kindlasti ka allergiline).

Jah, lõpp tundub lähedal. Kui just me ei suuda luua, miskit ägedat selle tava ümber. Midagi, mis tõmbaks silma särama. Et oleks tore nii suurtel kui väikestel.

Võimalikud tuleviku Kadrisandid?

Ma ei ütle, et Kadripäeval peaksid kõik mehehakatised täis dragis ringi jooksma - juba sügisene ilm ei soodusta nii nappi riietust. Lisaks ma kahtlen, et paljud nii uksed sisse lastaks.

Mul ei ole lahendusi, aga ma olen ulmekirjanik, seega suudan ma mingeid asju ette kujutada. 

Äkki peaks Mardipäeval tooma rohkem ajaloolist audentsust kohale ning käimagi ringi nagu muinasrändurid (näitab näpuga nende suunas, kellel on see varustus potensiaalselt olemas). Või lisada rämedalt tõsine cosplay selle juurde, või leida täpsemad sümbolid kui mask, habe ja müts. Mis üldse Mardisokust sai? Äkki annaks selle ümber midagi ehitada?

Igal juhul, kui me tahame seda tava veepinnal hoida, on meil tarvis lisada sellele seksikust (midagi, mis ennast ise müüb, mitte seksikaid riideid... palun.) Või vähemalt hoida seda pildil ning vaadata asja erinevate nurkade alt - laiendada seda maailma. Halloween ei omanud alguses ei kõrvitsat ega printsesse, aga nüüd Voila! ja keegi ei virise.

Võimalusi on ju tegelikult palju.

Mõelgem vaid, mis veel toimub Novembris? No näiteks rahvusvaheline romaanikirjutamise kuu! Seega, ehk pole see siniste näppudega ja näljane võõras midagi muud kui naabermaja kirjanikuhakatis (nimi on kindlasti Martti Kask, noh et veel juttu segadust luua), kes end kogemata välja lukustas ning proovib nüüd kuidagi sooja tuppa pääseda. Tema kodus laual on aga vast valminud ja maailma kõige parem käsikiri.

Või võtkem inspiratsiooni näiteks nö nohikukultuurist. Ehk on sandid Dungeons and Dragons grupp seiklejaid, kes kuidagi teise ilma sattusid, ning avastasid, et sel õhtul pole vaja söögi eest kuskil maksta - lisaks on see kõige magusam kraam, mida nad kunagi söönud on. Noh ja mõistatusi teavad nad kah kohe kindlasti oma viimasest kohtumisest Sfinksiga.

Ehk siis siin leidub millega mängida ja mida kombineerida, et seda maailma laiendada. Kas see ka Mardipäeva päästab ona omaette küsimus, kuid proovida ju võib.

Proovisin eelmine aasta ühe jutuga, kuid see polnud väga suur hüpe. Ehk oleks paras aeg julgemalt karata?

The Black Dog

Some call it a black dog, I find it odd,

as I have never seen a dog so abhorred.

The paralysing grip, the fear and cold.

A touch from depths, so dark, so old.

The stench, the grip, the eyes of dark.

The silent death, not sniff and bark.

It ain’t a dog, but beast from depths

a kraken, crab or aboleth

Or maybe, you may pardon me,

I don’t know dogs, as a cat, you see