Some moments from FiiF 2016

So, I was at FiiF this year as a solo artist. 

As I am really struggling with expressing all of my feelings about it, I decided to just write down some moments I had. True, even here I might not get everything down right - the human emotion is way more complex than the language we have for expressing it. Also these moments will be from random locations and random times.

It is not so much for sharing with others, but mostly for myself so I could later look back and remember... and have the warm feeling inside and smile.

If you were there, maybe you will find yourself in here, but maybe not. Maybe you can connect with it, maybe not.

These are just some of the moments I had in these few days that felt like years (in a good sense). A lot of love will and should stay unwritten.

***

The game was simple: make eye contact with someone in the room an hold it for two minutes.

That was the easy part. The hard part was to feel what was happening while you were doing it.

There is no such thing than innocent eye contact, the instructor had said and he was right.

Some emotions grew from the contact. Something happened. Always.

We had done it several times already, but this time the result was unexpected.

I felt ... bad... guilty... scary even. I felt like a monster. Don't know why or how it happened, but so it was. She was scared of me and I felt it.

It is just a role, I told myself, but the more I stared the less I believed in it.

I was a monster and I felt how something moved in me from 'I don't want to be like this' into 'You want to see this? You really want to see this? Fine. I can be this'.

I could feel it in the way I stood, the way I felt, the way I stared.

Just like under-dog creates the up-dog, this connection had turned me into a beast.

I felt the side of me that was angry, brutal and raw. That was dominating and empowered. It was the primal side of me that I did not want to accept or see - my personal blind spot as Jung would say - and now someone else had just looked into it. Just like that.

"I am a monster."

"Don't hurt me anymore."

We were on the same level. We both had experienced the same thing. 

We ended this connection with reassuring hug and moved on. It took me some time to get out of this feeling. 

Then I felt grateful. 

Grateful for being seen, even like this.

*

"So here is a task for you. Be my smile man. So when there is a lot of crowd in the pub and you see me, give me a smile and a thumbs up."

"Ok, will do"

This task seemed a bit strange at first, but it turned up to be really fun.

*

It was just me and the darkness. 

I could hear people moving. I sensed caring hands stopping and guiding me and other blind shadows passing me on my way.

I didn't know how long had I walked around with my eyes closed.

Not only had I lost my sense of time like this, but also my sense of direction.

I was in a different world in a different dimension.

All I knew was that I can move and people around me will make sure that nothing bad will happen to me.

I knew I was safe.

*

"Don't dance but just move to the music. Be ugly or silly, do whatever you want" the instructor said. 

I have never felt at home with dancing. 

It just does not come so naturally. I don't feel it. But move to the music and be ugly, that I can do. Sure, that I can do.

*

"Are you all right, my dear?"

"More less, have a bit of a headache"

"Sorry to hear that"

"No worries. Just give me a hug"

*

"Don't speak. Just be here," I said and we stared into each others eyes.

We had to go on the stage soon. These were the last minutes we had in backstage.

The plan was to do a mono scene, a realistic one.

Therefore, we as humans had to be real and connected.

He seemed to be a bit surprised and uncomfortable at first, but it seemed to work and get us on the more human level. We said thank you and soon the show started.

* 

I had done it with 2 people and the hugs just did not happen. All we got was hug fails.

"Initiate hug. One, Two, Three!"

It worked this time. So did the next one. And the next one.

We sent each-other off with jazz hands.

I was surprised. 

How was it that what did not work at all with some, worked so well with others. 

*

"I really liked your style on the stage."

Had we not been in a hurry, I would have stopped right there and then. 

You liked my style?
There are 60+ actors here and you noticed me? 

And not only noticed but also liked? 

"But... but ... but ...," my brain started. I have always had difficulties with accepting compliments or positive feedback - especially when I did something that I really enjoyed.

"You do mainly long-form, yes?" she continued, not aware of the inner struggle I had.

"eh ... yes ... thank you," I blushed inside, feeling grateful.

*

Silence. 

No-one had noticed it? Or did they notice, but just did not react? Whichever it was, it was strangely liberating, that no-one commented or laughed about the sentence I had just said. A sentence that would have sounded quite wrong if used out of the context.

I used to make jokes like that. Now I did not even try, but it still sometimes happened. My brain always noticed it.

It was strange to see that my improv colleagues were not as dirty minded as I was.
(As it later turned out - they were dirty minded, but they also were polite :P )

*

"And if you don't want to be touched from some places just say it out to your partner. Otherwise they will not know. You have to communicate it. Take care of your well being yourself," I reminded to myself as I skipped half of the workshop and walked back to the hostel. 

I just could not do it, I was emotionally naked and tired. I could not concentrate. I needed some time off for myself.

The workshop I had had in the morning had changed me so much that I just could not deal with the next one. I was broken. Broken in a positive way and needed some time to put the pieces together again.

*

When I was here the last time, I had just started improvising. I was new at it and mainly did side-support. Then on a mixer show I suddenly played the main character of the story. I still remembered how scared but also supported I felt. It really was a big thing.

Now, four years later I was on FiiF stage again with the mixer and fulfilled my part as side support. 

Was this a full circle? 

I did not mind it. It was in a way even liberating just to be there without too many words or too much attention.

*

"No no no. This is the process speaking" he tapped on his head. "Now do it again and tell what you really feel. What the body is telling you. Take your time. There is no hurry"

I saw how different the outcome was. 

I saw how more real and believable it was. 

The mind can lie, but the body can not, and when the mind lies there is a conflict. 

I have seen too many situations in my life where the words that come out are not in sync with the body. How people say "I am good!" or "I love it!" in a least convincing way. 

Now I learned how to really be there and notice when something is untold. It was liberating.

*

I thought how silly or strange it might have looked like to other people.

Just a group of people standing in front of a pub, making fun at each other and then digging with imaginary shovels.

We did it whenever we went too far with the jokes. You know, digging yourself deeper when you are already in a hole. 

It was fun, but I am sure that it also must have looked a bit strange.

***

It was my first workday after the festival. 

A client joined the chat and I noticed that he had the name and location of one of the improvisers who was in FiiF. 

Sure, it was not the same person, but my heart still started to rally with joy.