Lessons from the dark side

A few days ago a girl at my workplace commented on my death tattoo. 

"I think I could not live while being constantly reminded of death," she said.

"I am at a stage in my life where I could not live anymore while I'm not," I replied. 

I said it almost automatically. It just came out. It was the truth.

Later on I started thinking about it. Isn't it a bit strange that what scares others gives me hope?

I find it a bit difficult to explain but I will try.

The hard learnings

I have had several experiences in my life that have just shred me into bits and pieces. That turned me inside out. That totally shackled all I had. I could imagine cutting myself off from the world and sinking into morbid existence ... and then just fading away without anyone noticing. The hard part is that a part of my soul just wants to do that - wants to escape. Like a small scared child. The world is a terrible place, life is hard and painful and I know it. Deep down I know it, whatever I do. 

I cannot forget. I can forgive, but I cannot forget. This is the dark side of life and death that a lot of people don't want to be reminded about, but I do not have a choice here, do I.

However there is also a lighter side to death that I eventually came to understand. If you see beyond the dark you will see light. You will see the truth. You will see what matters and what does not. 

In the endgame what good is there that you had a Ferrari, HD tv and a pool table in your living room if you did not have true human connections? You get my point, right?

It took some time before I could understand these teachings and to be honest I used to be quite scared of life. Right now, I'm glad to be alive.

Here are some of the things I have learned.

1. Don't take yourself too seriously

Be silly, be stupid. Have fun. 

Do you remember how as kids we were just fooling around? Invented new games and adventures to have fun? We just moved to the music, making fool of ourselves and then were laughing about it. We made stupid faces to each other and laughed about it as well. We ran and climbed trees and played games and not because anyone told us to. We did it because it was fun. We liked doing it.

Then the teenager years came and suddenly we all tried to be oh so cool and grown up. By the numbers I am a grown up and all I can say is: "get out, it's a trap!"

We forget how to just play and have fun as kids and try to be the serious and gloom grownups that the society expects us to be. There are too many people like this.

Playing and fooling around is for kids, they say ... and that is just stupid.

Who says that you cannot be productive and playful at the same time? Have fun and get the work done at the same time?

You are not perfect. Just stop acting. None of us are and that is what makes it all so interesting.

You cannot and will not know everything. You are just a fool who tries to make the best of it all.

Death note: You will die. That is a fact. Cherish yourself and the life you have while you have it. Enjoy it.

2. Don't care too much of what others think of you.

The first point would not work too well without it, would it?

You know there used to be a cool and really friendly guy called Jesus. Everyone loved him .. except the people who did not. You see, even the son of god was not liked by everyone. Don't try the impossible. You are who you are and you will compute well with some people and not so well with others. That's just how it is. Don't waste your time on people that you do not connect with. Don't waste your time with being afraid of a judgement.

There is no point in trying to act cool. Acting is for acting school. Just be who you are - as long as you are not an asshole (remember, you want to have human connections).

Death note: Death can be sad, but it is even worse if you did not live at all. We all are scared sometimes, we all have our own demons, but the question comes down to Yes or No. Do you really want to live or not. Being in between, wasting your life as a zombie is the worst option.
Fun fact: the people who judge you will also die one day, so there's no point to worry :P

3. Connect with people

Be as honest as possible. Be real. Express your feelings as much as you possibly can (but don't be an asshole) . Yes you can make a fool of yourself like that, but who cares (check previous points) Connect. You cannot connect without the possibility of making a fool of yourself. The true human to human connection always has this scary part. If you care for someone, you will get hurt when they get hurt and you will laugh when they do. Connect with your full heart.
Even if it fails or the connection does not last forever, it is still better than never happening at all.
Your heart might get broken, but at least you have a heart. You will just put it together and move on and deep dive into other worlds and souls.

And sometimes you might think that you have lost them. We all are assholes sometimes... it is part of human nature. Whatever you did- just say that you you are sorry. If they really care for you, they will forgive.

Find your tribe. It is out there, you just have to find them and if you have them, the connection will stay - even if you do not see each-other for years or live far apart. Strange thing is this human connection.

Death note: Yes, it is sad - they as well will die one day. Sorry to bring it to you, but its the truth. Take as much as you can from these real heart to heart/ soul to soul connections. Cherish them. Value them. They will keep your heart warm and keep you going.

4. Do things now and really, don't be an Asshole

We have limited time in this world and so do all the others. All of us have our own way. Try to be kind and understanding even if you disagree with them.

All you have is Now. Right now. Nothing else is certain. Don't wait to say things that you want to say. Don't wait for a better time, if there is something you could already do right now. Don't wait for a fix in the future that will 'solve all your problems' - thats just wishful thinking. Might or might not happen for real.

Have expectations and hopes, but know that these are just thoughts. (there is a saying is Estonian that translates like this: "Human makes plans - god laughs") The only reality is now. Do things now. Even if scared, just do it.

Death note: People have the tendency to die. Value them for what they are and don't be an asshole - you might not get a chance to fix it later.

Epilogue

Do what you wish with these lessons. 

I have found them useful in my journeys. I have been doing things that I never imagined I would or even could do. I have had human encounters with strangers that have moved me from the bottom of my heart. I have shared myself with others and have gained so much back.

There is darkness in me that I cannot escape, what I can do is keep my heart warm and burning despite the dark. To be the light at the end of the tunnel.

Cheers!

Death note: CATS ARE NICE!