“Kes teist arvab, et nõusoleku küsimine pole seksikas? Äkki olete te vägistajad?”

Ka Eestis käinud püstijalakoomikul Jimmy Carr’il tuli paar nädalat tagasi välja uus Netflix’i show Natural Born Killer ja kui aus olla siis see üllatas mind. Ma ei oodanud, et rõvedate, piiripealsete ja isegi piire ületavate naljadega tuntuks saanud koomik hakkab laval rääkima nõusolekust, vägistamisest, abordist ja sellest, millal on mõistlik võtta oma peenis välja. 

No olgu, tegelikult võis seda ju tema puhul oodata. Mis oli ootamatu oli see kuidas ta kõigest sellest rääkis. Ta haris publikut, tegi asjad puust ja punaseks ja samas naljakaks. Jah, ületades vahel piire, nagu tal see kombeks on, kuid ometi oli seal väga vajalik ja ootamatu õpetlik sisu. Eriti just viimased 15 minutit showst, kus publik oli juba üles soojendatud.

See oli esimene kord minu elus, kui avaliku püstijalakomöödia lindistuse vaatamine pani mind pikemaks ajaks mõtlema. Bo Burnham sai sellega hakkama oma viimase Netflix’i showga Inside, kus ta koroona epideemia ajal tegi üksinda oma kodus nalja, kuid seal puudus publik.
Just Carri etteaste publiku reaktsioon oli see, mis jäi mul kuidagi sisse kriipima: mitmes kohas plaksutasid ja naersid peamiselt naised.

Miks oli see üllatav?
Kes Jimmy Carr’i eelnevat loomingut tunnevad oskavad ehk minuga siinkohas samastuda. Tema forte on kiired naljad, mis on ootamatu pöördega. Väga tihti on need äärmiselt rõvedad, ebaeetilised või isegi kriminaalsete alatoonidega (näit lapsepilastamine). See on tema teadlik ja valitud stiil. Jah, kõik koomikud kirjutavad vahel nalju, mis lähevad kohutavalt üle piiri, kuid sellele järgneb valik, kas nad panevad selle lavale või mitte. Carr on teinud teadliku valiku jalutada teiselpool meile vastuvõetavate asjade piiri ja seal lustlikult vilet lasta ning on teinud seda juba aastaid.
Ta lahmib kõigile, kaasaarvatud publikule, ja teeb seda rajult. Kuid seekord võttis ta ette ka sotsiaalse mädapaise ja pitsitas seda ning seda oli hädasti tarvis.
Näiteks õpetab ta ühele mehehakatisest publikuliikmele: “Ei on alati Ei, kuid Jah pole alati Jah. Lihtne reegel - kui naine ütleb Jah, kuid on rohkem pinges kui sinu peenis … ära seksi temaga.”
Rõve? Jah, kuid samas õpetlik.

Tihti seostatakse labaseid nalju inimestega, kes pole just väga asjalikud - noh nagu suured lapsed. Jimmy Carr on aga väga arukas ja töökas inimene. Kui töökas? Tal on keskmiselt 300 esinemist aastas ja seda üle terve maailma. Kui arukas? Soovitan vaadata tema kahte vestlust Diary of a CEO podcast’is. Mõlemad on mõnusad ja ka väga üllatavad, kui te tunnete vaid tema maski lava pealt. Laval on tal karakter - see on vaid osa temast.

Kas tal on peas kõik korras? Kes teab, kuid ta funktsioneerib ja nüüd natuke vanemas eas ja peale isaks saamist on lisanud oma huumorile ka sotsiaalse ja õpetliku aspekti ning see on kohutavalt tore.
Ma ei saa öelda, et Billy Connolly huumor oleks väga minu maitse, kuid see kuidas ta juba kogenud hallipäise koomikuna laval lugusid rääkis, oli naljakas ja südantsoojendav. Ka George Carlin tegi oma parima kraami peale eluaeg treenimist ja harjutamist.
Mulle tundub, et ka Jimmy Carr on võtnud oma viimase showga uue suuna ja see on väga tore.
On asju, millest peab rääkima ja kui sa oskad seda teha nii, et publik naerab, kuid saab samal ajal ka targemaks, on see igati teretulnud.

Vaikimine surm, rääkimine hõbe

Täna oleks minu kõige vanem vend saanud 45 aastaseks. Uhke number. Sama palju veel ning juba ongi ümmargune 90 täis. 

Selle asemel jäi ta vabatahtlikult 17 peal pidama. 

28 aastat on möödas.

Raske on täpselt öelda, mis ta enesetapuni viis, kuid tundus, et ta ei julgenud suureks saada - ta kartis maailma. Kuid see oli vaid tunne. Keegi ei teadnud, mis tema sisemuses toimus. Ta ei rääkinud sellest peites kõik oma tunded tubliduse maski taha. Ta oli eeskujulik õpilane, üsna perfektsionistlik ja tugevate ideaalidega, kuid see ei näita seda, mis toimub inimese hinges. Seda saab edasi anda vaid rääkides ning see meedium on juba eos ebamäärane ja ebaperfektne. 

Kuid paremat pole meile antud. Me peame sellega kuidagi hakkama saama, sest teisiti ei jää me ellu.

Mul jääb varvastest ja sõrmedest puudu, et lugeda kokku kõik need korrad, millal ma ise piiri peal olen olnud. Raske on öelda, kas selle taga on midagi geneetilist või mõjus venna kaotamine minu jaoks lihtsalt nii raskelt. Suure tõenäosusega saab mõlemale näpuga näidata.
Lisaks ka hirm. Ka mina kardan maailma. Hetki, mil ma olen tundud end turvaliselt, hoitud ja hästi, on olnud vähe või äkki lihtsalt ei jää need nii eredalt meelde, kui kõik negatiivne. 

Kuus aastat tagasi läks minu parim sõber, inimene kes oli minu kõrval lapsepõlvest saati, inimene kellega ma sain kõigest rääkida, inimene, kelle jaoks ei pidanud ma kandma maski, minu vennaga sama teed.
Alles sellel kevadel suutsin ma temaga oma hinges hüvasti jätta.

Täiskasvanud inimene võiks ju osata paremini kõige sellega toime tulla, aga näe, ei oska. Või nagu terapeut selle sõnastas "sa oled kogenud kannataja, kuid see ei tähenda, et sul oleks vaja kogu aeg kannatada."  Inimene ei tegutse enne, kui tal piisavalt ebamugav hakkab - ju siis varem ei olnud lihtsalt piisavalt valus.

Ma lükkasin selle kõik maski taha ja toimetasin. Tegemist oli palju. Lapsed, kaks korteri remonti, koroona, jalaoperatsioon, töö, kirjutamine - alati leidus midagi, kuhu ennast peita.
Rahulikumal ajal sai aga panna klappidest audiobooki kõrva, samamoodi nagu ma gümnaasiumi ajal lugesin kogu aeg raamatuid, selleks et mitte tunda. 

Kuid sellest pole abi. Vältimine ei aita.

Ma olin aastaid vältinud venna haual käimist, ometi võtsin selle tee eelmisel nädalavahetusel ette.
Olles esmalt ohverdanud surnuaiaväravale, mis sõrme lõikas, paar tilka verd ning pikalt hauda otsides, olin ma isegi kuidagi pettunud, kui ma haua lõpuks üles leidsin.
Ma ei saanud seal jumalikku ilmutust ega juhtunud minuga ka midagi muud huvitavat.
Ma vaatasin lihtsalt sammaldunud kivi, mis tähistas inimest keda ma kunagi tundsin, kuid nüüd suutsin vaevu meenutada. Inimest, kes oleks saanud täna 45 aastaseks, kui ta oleks saanud oma hirmust üle ja rääkinud oma sees pulbitsevatest asjadest inimesele, kes kuulaks ja ei annaks hinnangut vaid oleks lihtsalt olemas. 

Jah, see samm, et rääkida, on hirmuäratav ja seda põhjusega. Väga tihti ei kuulata, vaid hakatakse lahendama või kui jutt on eriti tõsine minnakse selle peale paanikasse ning siis pole rääkijal mitte ainult enda probleem vaid ka kuulaja probleem.
Ma olen seal olnud.

Sobivat kuulajat ei leia alati oma lähedaste seast. Vahel on sõbrad abiks. Kuid ka võhivõõras võib toetada. Me oleme kõik inimesed. Me oleme kõik seotud.
Kes kuulaks?
Tänapäeval juba üsna paljud. Meil on peaasi lehekülg, laste kriisitelefon, eluliin... Maailm on selles vallas 28 aasta jooksul palju paranenud.
See ei too inimesi tagasi. Inimesi, kes lahkuvad vabatahtlikult - meie pisikeses riigis on igal aastal neid umbes 200 - kuid ehk aitab neid kes on ristteel.

Seega rääkigem.
Rääkigem, hoolimata sellest, et sõnad ei anna mõtet alati õigesti edasi, või ei leiagi õigeid sõnu. Hoolimata sellest, et kõik sees pulbitsev tundub nii jabur.
Hoolimata sellest, et maailm tundub suur ja absurdne ning meie mured selles nii tühised.
Hoolimata sellest, et me võime rääkides haiget saada... 

...sest vaikides saame me kindlasti ja teeme ka teistele haiget.

Fat squirrels

"Do you know what is the purpose of living?" I asked.

She did not answer. Instead she opened her palm. There was a hazelnut.

"You want to say, that life is nuts?"

"Maybe," she smirked. "Stay very still and observe." She moved her hand with nut on the ground.

For a while nothing happened - there was only wind between the gravestones.

Then, suddenly there was a bit of crackle, small pieces of bark fell on the ground and a squirrel appeared.

Slowly and carefully it crept closer. Got scared and ran away, then came again. Finally it collected enough courage to come close and grab the nut.

"Wha-" I started to ask, but she shushed me and took out the next hazelnut. While the first squirrel was happily munching, there appeared a next one from behind a moldy gravestone 

After the first squirrels got a bite, there were suddenly more than twenty of them running between and on the old gravestones.

Some of them were more aggressive and bit the finger instead of the nut and tried to carry that away. Others were too afraid to come close at all.

We stayed still. Pulling out a new nut every time the previous one was taken.

After half an hour or so she stood up.

"So the purpose of living?" I pushed the question again while we started walking, followed by some squirrels who were still hungry.

"What do you think?" she asked.

"Fat squirrels?"

She laughed. 

"Oh a noble quest indeed, but I'm sure you can find more meaning in that little act," she said, moving towards the cemetery gates.

"To observe, to be present and enjoy the moment even if in pain," I suggested, remembering all the bite marks in her fingers.

"Maybe."

"You have to stay strong in order to create relationships and for that you have to put your nuts in the fire."

"Possibly," she snorted with laughter. "But is that all?"

"No," I said. "No, it is not," I sighed.

The time feeding squirrels was fun, but it did not last forever. 

Nothing did. Not a thing nor a person. 

All of it was temporary.

It was something to keep in mind as walked through the gates... alone.

Maa ja taevas

 Maa vaatas pilvetompusid, mis tantsisid ringi, uudistades, otsides ja avastades. See tegi seest soojaks.

Maa mäletas, mida tähendas noor olla.

Ta mäletas ka Taevast noorena. Nad tegid pilved koos, see oli vesi neist mõlemast. 

Nüüd oli vett vähe. Kaevud olid tühjad. Plved aga juba tehtud.

Kui ka Maa küsis vihma, sai Taevas pahaseks. “Kas sa muust kui vihmast ei mõtlegi?” urises ta. “Sul on endal ju kah vett.”

Vahel ta aga leebus, minnes Maa sooviga kaasa. Maa proovis selle ajaga end täis saada, kuid vesi lihtsalt haihtus kuivanud vallide vahele. 

“Sa oled täitmatu,” urises Taevas kui Maa juurde küsis.

Ja ühest päevast alates Maa enam ei küsinud. 

Ta proovis endiselt kasvatada lilli ja taimi Taevale imetlemiseks, sest see oli tema Taevas. Ta jagas ka oma veenatukest pilvetompudega, teades ise, et seda oli liialt vähe. 

Kuid ta teadis, et see ei saa nii jääda.

Tema äärtesse olid tekkinud liivavallid, alad, kus enam midagi ei kasvanud. Iga päevaga muutusid need suuremaks. Ta teadis, et üks päev ta ei vajanud enam vihma, siis kui temast oli alles vaid liiv.

Let's talk about suicide

[spoiler warning: includes serious topics and silly memes]

No, my friend, you should not be alarmed about this title.

Why? Because it exists and the ones who have not yet seen the beast might be more easily consumed once they fall into the trap. So we must talk about the beast.

Also, because it is something that is in my mind on the back-burner. The thought of killing myself has been on quick-dial in my brain for most of my life. It is often my first thought when I feel I failed, when I feel lonely, when ... well, it depends on my mental and life state at that exact moment. Sometimes it comes only once a month, sometimes several times in one day. But the demon is true and it is there... and the demon is part of me. Even with therapy, I have not been able to get rid of it, only to accept it's existence and find ways to handle it. 

But why this post?

This year has been hard. Extremely hard. For a lot of people. 

Our lives were disturbed by Covid and then the war. Not that neither of them have disappeared, but right now they don't seem so relevant anymore (in our brains at least) and many of us try to go back to our "normal lives". To the life we had before the disturbances happened. The problem is that we have not had a "normal life" for a few years now and don't know how to do it.
For me "going back to normal life" meant that I had to finally start working on something that had been waiting for even a longer time. Before Covid hit we had renovations and other tasks that just took all the attention, time and brain processing power. This year, 5 years too late, I finally had the mental resources to properly deal with the suicide of my best friend. And as some of you know, this was not my first rodeo. I have been "in the topic" for a long long time already.
However it is the first time in my life when this "Taboo topic for oh so many" has popped up in several areas of my life. I have never before heard about so many losses to the beast within my acquaintances and friends of friends.

Hence, this post here. This poorly written bundle of words that tries to make a small positive change. Maybe it helps. Or maybe, in case you have the demons, you at least have the assurance that you are not the only one.
Cheers! Do your best and don't give in. No, I don't want to guilt shame you or anyone into staying alive. Only to remind you that you are connected to people - if you want it or not. If you disappear, it will create an empty hole and cracks around it that that have sharp edges and will cut the people closest to you for years to come. Trust me. So if the dark tentacles come, try to procrastinate.
Surviving one moment with "nah, not today" will give you one more day of life. Do that long enough and you might die of old age before you kill yourself... and who knows, maybe you will even enjoy the ride.

So, here are some things that I have noticed that work for me (next to the procrastination).

Give your brain a bone

Your brain is messy and it creates stuff. It's its job to create stuff. Sometimes it has the tendency to create 
stuff that is not good. So, why not give it a task. Something that takes the creativity that your brain might use poorly and will use it for something good instead. 
It can be the task of noticing certain positive elements every day or it can be the task of writing a book or making art. Whatever floats your boat. The point is to move the focus to something that is better than the default setting of your brain. Even if it is silly and unpractical. 
You know the story about two wolves living in the heart of every man? Yeah, feed the right one. If possible, give it also something with a meaning. If not, silly is also totally fine. As long as it has a bone to chew on, it is fine.

Ignore the pain

This one might cause shame for many, and complications in the long run, but it is totally fine to sometimes just ignore the pain.
Do you know what I did on the day I learned about my best friends suicide? I went to the birthday party of another friend, just so I could feel normal again. Even if just for a bit. 
Our brain needs rest from pain. It is fine to give it to it. Not a strong face that stays there forever (as if nothing bad happened), but a break from the agony, that will give us the energy to deal with it.
Humour is a good distraction.
So is reading.
 Doing theatre or being playful might work. Playing music or listening to it. Sex possibly.
I'm sure you have your own ways, I'm just here to remind you of them.
Do something that you might enjoy even if you feel terrible.

Talk about it

Therapy of course would be helpful, but it's tricky, I know. Finding the right therapist and the cost etc. It can be a real struggle. I personally have been rather lucky in that area.

However talking bluntly and honestly with your friends can also be helpful. Assuming that they have the capacity to listen. Looking at the rates in our little country, it is very likely that someone in your close circle has been impacted by mental issue or someones suicide. And even if not, death is a universal thing that we will all face at sone point. We all will face the dark.

You are not alone. You just need to find your own tribe.
I know it is scary and you will fail and will feel broken. But when you finally find someone who can really listen with no judgement... to be truly connected with someone with all your flaws... I think it is worth it.
We are all humans and surprisingly similar.

Don't be an ass

Generally a good idea I think.
Essentially, even if you need to hide in a cave sometimes, don't burn the bridges - you might need these bridges later. Bridges are what people use and as a social creature you actually need people.
It's fine to take some alone time and close the bridge but NEVER destroy it.

Also this is where you can turn your demon into a strength. Yes life is unfair and enraging at times and sad and silly and stupid... But you know that people die. You know that you will die. You have that insight.
So maybe... while you are still alive... you can try to be kind. Why waste the short time we have on this planet on making other people feel terrible?

Also, if possible, try to not leave things unsaid. You might not get second chances. It might not be that the demon takes you - sometimes just life sucks.
And if that is awkward and odd... that too is fine. Imagine people remembering you as someone who was awkward and silly but honest and kind. Would you not prefer that instead of being remembered as an ass?

Tomorrow You

Even if you don't really care about yourself today, try to care about the person you are tomorrow.
Even if you don't care about your home right now, the tomorrow you might.
Even if you are not hungry, the tomorrow you will be grateful for the sandwich. So why not make him a sandwich
This also means signing up for events that tomorrow you might like even if today you want nothing to do with them. Just trust your gut feeling and sign up and do your best to attend.

Don't overthink it

Life is messy and so are you. There are things you can do and things you can not.
You cannot solve everything, neither should you. Thinking and worryn over things you cannot change will not make it better.
You do you, the best you can and that is good enough.
Don't stress too much about the rest.

Taking the last point into consideration, I think that's all I can think of. 

So...
Stay safe.

Stay weird.
Stay alive.
Cheers!

Signed by Tim and his Demon