Kuulasin Tõnis Mägi lugusid ja ette jäi seesamune (duetina meeldis see kuidagi rohkem)
Kuulasin ... ja siis kuulasin korra veel ... ja siis mõistsin, miks mul oli vaja seda üle kuulata.
Jah, paljud metafoorid töötavad, olenemata kontekstist.
Oh ei, ma ei plaani siin kuhugi lahkuma hakata (samas, kunagi ei tea mis juhtuda võib, eksole), ei ole kuidagi morbiidne ega soovi lahkuda (peale suvel tehtud Limbot sain ma eriti selgelt aru kui väga pissed off ma ikka oleks, kui ma nüüd nii lampi ära sureks... võinoh midagi)
... aga kui noh peaks juhtuma
... siis see oleks lihtsalt nii ilus hinges helisev ja samas ka lohutav ärasaatmise lugu
... pani hinge helisema ja tegi seest soojaks
... lihtsalt
ja peale seda mõtet ei saa ma seda enam kuulata, ilma et silmad niiskeks valguks
Imperfect notes from the Gifts of imperfection
So, I have been reading this book about Wholehearted living for a while now. Not that the book is thick or I am slow reader, but this time I just needed some time to let it sink in. Also I made some notes. Here are some notes (that are ofc out of the context, but might still be handy). Alo they are not in the same order as they were in the book.
* Inspired to make new and different choices
* Going. They take action.
Courage – „To tell one’s mind by telling all one’s heart“
Compassion – „to suffer with“ Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity. The heart of compassion is acceptance (and also accepting your limitations and having boundaries) Must have boundaries and holding holding people accountable for their behavior. (not blame)
Connection – energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.
Love and belonging will always be uncertain.
Love belongs with belonging.
A deep sense of love and belonging is and irreducible need of all women, men and children.
Love: We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known; and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each of them – we can love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damage the roots from witch love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.
Belonging: Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater then our level of self-acceptance.
If we want to live and love with our whole hearts and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way – especially shame, fear and vulnerability.
Shame:
1. We all have it
2. We’re all afraid to talk about it
3. The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging
Wholehearted people:
1. They understand shame and recognize what messages and expectations trigger shame for them
2. They practice critical awareness by reality-checking the messages and expectations that tell us that being imperfect means meaning inadequate
3. They reach out and share their stories with people they trust
4. They spek shame – they use the word shame, they talk about how they are feeling, and they ask for what they need.
Guilt = I did something bad
Shame = I am bad
Choosing authenticity means:
* Cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable
* exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength an struggle
* nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough.
Authenticity demands Wholehearted living and loving – even when it’s hard, even when we’re wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough and especially when the joy is so intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it.
Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggle is how we invite grace, joy and gratitude into our lives.
It is in the process of embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts
* Self-kindness: Being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.
* Common humanity: Common humanity recognizes that suffering and feelings of personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experiences – something we all go through rather that something that happens to „me“ alone
„we’re all doing the best we can“
* Mindfulness: Taking balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Mindfulness requires that we not „over-identify“ with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negativity.
„Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground“
Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded by love and compassion. Practicing spirituality brings sense of perspective, meaning, and purpose to our lives.
From the foundation of spirituality, three other significant patterns emerged as being essential to resilience:
1. Cultivating hope
2. Practicing critical awareness
3. Letting go of numbing and taking the edge off vulnerability, discomfort and pain
Hope is a cognitive function that is created when:
* I set realistic goals – know where I want to go
* I Know how to get there. Are persistent and can tolerate failure and try again
* I believe in myself that I can do this
2. Addiction can be described as chronically and compulsively numbing and taking the edge off of feelings
3. We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions we also numb the positive emotions.
For many of us, our first response to vulnerability and pain in not to lean into the discomfort and feel our way trough but rather make it go away. We do that by numbing and taking the edge off the pain with whatever provides the quickest relief. We can anesthetize with a whole bunch of stuff, including alcohol, drugs, sex, relationships, money, work, care-taking, gambling, staying busy, affairs, chaos, shopping, planning, perfectionism, constant change, internet etc
When we numb the dark, we numb the light
The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.
Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.
1.“I’m not very creative“ does not work. There’s no such thing as creative people and non-creative people. There are only people who use their creativity and people who don’t. Unused creativity doesn’t just disappear. It lives within us until it’s expressed, neglected to death, or suffocated by resentment and fear.
2. The only unique contribution that we will ever make in this world will be born out of our creativity.
3. If we want to make meaning, we need to make art. Cook, write, draw, paint scrapbook, take pictures, collage, knit, rebuild an engine, sculpt, dance, decorate, act, sing – it doesn’t matter. As long as we are creating, we are cultivating meaning.
If creativity is seen as a luxury or something we do when we have spare time, it will never be cultivated. (When I make creating a priority, everything in my life works better)
Play is as essential to our health and functioning as rest.
1.We all have gifts and talents. When we cultivate those gifts and share them with the world, we create a sense f meaning and purpose in or lives.
2. Squandering our gifts brings distress to our lives.
3. Sharing our gifts and talents with the world is the most powerful connection (with god)
4. Using our gifts and talents to create meaningful work takes a tremendous amount of commitment.
5. No one can define what is meaningful for us.
Accept and own your fears, do not ignore and hide them as they will in that case only go louder.
"For me, the risk of losing myself felt far more dangerous than the risk of letting people see the real me."
What is Wholehearted living?
Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It’s about cultivating the courage, compassion and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough. It is going to bed thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.The Journey is important
Owning your story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy - the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.Wholehearted people Dig Deep when in stress:
* Deliberate in their thoughts and behaviors through prayer, meditation or simply setting the intentions* Inspired to make new and different choices
* Going. They take action.
Courage, Compassion and Connection
Courage – „To tell one’s mind by telling all one’s heart“
Compassion – „to suffer with“ Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity. The heart of compassion is acceptance (and also accepting your limitations and having boundaries) Must have boundaries and holding holding people accountable for their behavior. (not blame)
Connection – energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.
About Helping and receiving help
Until we can receive with open heart, we are never really giving with open heart. When we attach judgement to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgement to giving help.Love, belonging and Being enough
Fitting in is about becoming who you need to be accepted – belonging does not require us to change who we are; it requires us to BE who we are.Love and belonging will always be uncertain.
Love belongs with belonging.
A deep sense of love and belonging is and irreducible need of all women, men and children.
Love: We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known; and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each of them – we can love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame blame, disrespect, betrayal and the withholding of affection damage the roots from witch love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.
Belonging: Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater then our level of self-acceptance.
Shame
If we want to live and love with our whole hearts and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way – especially shame, fear and vulnerability.
Shame:
1. We all have it
2. We’re all afraid to talk about it
3. The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging
Wholehearted people:
1. They understand shame and recognize what messages and expectations trigger shame for them
2. They practice critical awareness by reality-checking the messages and expectations that tell us that being imperfect means meaning inadequate
3. They reach out and share their stories with people they trust
4. They spek shame – they use the word shame, they talk about how they are feeling, and they ask for what they need.
Guilt = I did something bad
Shame = I am bad
Authenticity
Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.Choosing authenticity means:
* Cultivating the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable
* exercising the compassion that comes from knowing that we are all made of strength an struggle
* nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that can only happen when we believe that we are enough.
Authenticity demands Wholehearted living and loving – even when it’s hard, even when we’re wrestling with the shame and fear of not being good enough and especially when the joy is so intense that we’re afraid to let ourselves feel it.
Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggle is how we invite grace, joy and gratitude into our lives.
It is in the process of embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts
Self Compassion
has 3 elements:* Self-kindness: Being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.
* Common humanity: Common humanity recognizes that suffering and feelings of personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experiences – something we all go through rather that something that happens to „me“ alone
„we’re all doing the best we can“
* Mindfulness: Taking balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Mindfulness requires that we not „over-identify“ with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negativity.
„Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground“
Spirituality
Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded by love and compassion. Practicing spirituality brings sense of perspective, meaning, and purpose to our lives.
From the foundation of spirituality, three other significant patterns emerged as being essential to resilience:
1. Cultivating hope
2. Practicing critical awareness
3. Letting go of numbing and taking the edge off vulnerability, discomfort and pain
Hope is a cognitive function that is created when:
* I set realistic goals – know where I want to go
* I Know how to get there. Are persistent and can tolerate failure and try again
* I believe in myself that I can do this
What we usually do [try to be aware of it]
1. Most of us engage behaviors (conscious or not) that help us numb and take the edge of off vulnerability, pain and discomfort2. Addiction can be described as chronically and compulsively numbing and taking the edge off of feelings
3. We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions we also numb the positive emotions.
For many of us, our first response to vulnerability and pain in not to lean into the discomfort and feel our way trough but rather make it go away. We do that by numbing and taking the edge off the pain with whatever provides the quickest relief. We can anesthetize with a whole bunch of stuff, including alcohol, drugs, sex, relationships, money, work, care-taking, gambling, staying busy, affairs, chaos, shopping, planning, perfectionism, constant change, internet etc
When we numb the dark, we numb the light
The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.
Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.
On Creativity
1.“I’m not very creative“ does not work. There’s no such thing as creative people and non-creative people. There are only people who use their creativity and people who don’t. Unused creativity doesn’t just disappear. It lives within us until it’s expressed, neglected to death, or suffocated by resentment and fear.
2. The only unique contribution that we will ever make in this world will be born out of our creativity.
3. If we want to make meaning, we need to make art. Cook, write, draw, paint scrapbook, take pictures, collage, knit, rebuild an engine, sculpt, dance, decorate, act, sing – it doesn’t matter. As long as we are creating, we are cultivating meaning.
If creativity is seen as a luxury or something we do when we have spare time, it will never be cultivated. (When I make creating a priority, everything in my life works better)
Play is as essential to our health and functioning as rest.
Do what inspires you!
1.We all have gifts and talents. When we cultivate those gifts and share them with the world, we create a sense f meaning and purpose in or lives.
2. Squandering our gifts brings distress to our lives.
3. Sharing our gifts and talents with the world is the most powerful connection (with god)
4. Using our gifts and talents to create meaningful work takes a tremendous amount of commitment.
5. No one can define what is meaningful for us.
Looking Uncool
When we value being cool and in control over granting ourselves the freedom to unleash the passionate, goofy, heartfelt and soulful expressions of who we are, we betray ourselves. When we constantly betray ourselves, we can expect to do the same to the people we love.Accept and own your fears, do not ignore and hide them as they will in that case only go louder.
"For me, the risk of losing myself felt far more dangerous than the risk of letting people see the real me."
Awkward is what we do
It was not too long ago when I did all I could not to look stupid, silly or somehow strange. And I failed, miserably, even when I was committed to it.
I was not authentic, instead I tried to meet the (self made up) expectations of family, friends, colleagues and random people.
Obviously you cannot meet every-ones expectations, because:
* First of all, you do not know what they are - you are only assuming
* Secondly they might be conflicting
* Thirdly - most likely they even don't think about it as much as you think they do
Worrying all the time about what others think about you does not make you a better person, instead it makes you less authentic and more depressed, because you are aiming to fail. You have a impossible task.
However when you are authentic, it is more easy to accept that you do not meet every ones expectations, that's just how life is - you cannot please everybody. But you can aim to please yourself.
Life is messy.
We are imperfect.
Awkward is what we do
...but at least we can do it while enjoying it.
Cheers!
I was not authentic, instead I tried to meet the (self made up) expectations of family, friends, colleagues and random people.
Obviously you cannot meet every-ones expectations, because:
* First of all, you do not know what they are - you are only assuming
* Secondly they might be conflicting
* Thirdly - most likely they even don't think about it as much as you think they do
Worrying all the time about what others think about you does not make you a better person, instead it makes you less authentic and more depressed, because you are aiming to fail. You have a impossible task.
However when you are authentic, it is more easy to accept that you do not meet every ones expectations, that's just how life is - you cannot please everybody. But you can aim to please yourself.
Life is messy.
We are imperfect.
Awkward is what we do
...but at least we can do it while enjoying it.
Cheers!
The Cost (by Dorothy N. Monroe)
Death is not too high a price to pay
for having lived. Mountains never die,
nor do the seas or rocks or endless sky.
Through countless centuries of time, they stay
eternal, deathless. Yet they never live! If choice were there, I would not hesitate
to choose mortality. Whatever Fate
demanded in return for life I'd give,
for never to have seen the fertile plains
nor heard the winds nor felt the warm sun on sands
beneath a salty sea, not touched the hands
of those I love - without these, all the gains
of timelessness would not be worth one day
of living and loving; come what may.
Make (good) art
Viimasel ajal olen neid sõnu korduvalt ja korduvalt endale meelde tuletanud. Mitte, et ma endiselt arvaks, et see mis ma teen hea on, aga pigem on tegemise protsess nauditav. Eriti arvestades seda, et kui joonistuste puhul ma veel suudan mingil määral ette mõelda tööprotsessi, siis maalimises olen ma paras improkunn, kes lihtalt võtab pintsli kätte ja kütab nii nagu tuleb (fine, väike pliiatsiga skets jaidee on ikka all, aga ei midagi väga uhket). Pean tõdema, et kõige hullem ei olegi.
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