The Holes That Make You Whole

There is a hole in my chest. 
On the left side. Close to the heart.
My wife says it looks like someone 
has taken a handful of me
and ripped it off.
I don’t know where I got it
She might be right.

There are small holes in my head, 
Most were closed with stitch or two.
From the time of being curious
and not afraid of the world.
I got the first one when I was one
and last one at eleven
when the world started to scare me

There is a hole in my right earlobe
Small one, where the bone has cracked. 
It looks as if I had a piercing there.
I didn’t. I was in a fight

I have a hole in my soul,
From caring more of death than living
For bigger part of my life.
That surprisingly still continues - less lonely now.
I would love to call it a scar,
but old habits die hard.

I have a hole in my forehead.
From being hit by a car
They say it's magic that I didn't go mad.
I now look like Harry Potter.
I sometimes worry if I've lost my mind,
but don’t know how to tell.

These are the holes I look through 
when I look at life.
The empty spaces that,
when linked together and filled between
make me.
And sometimes with all these holes,
I feel like a damn good and old 
Swiss cheese.


As you must already know, from many previous posts, I have been writing the last 3 years or so and as it turns out, it has also had some effect.
True, some people have said that the writing was ok or funny or unexpectedly good (I still don't know what they actually expected. It seems that I disappointed them).
However, it seems that this is not the only effect I have.
I know at least 3 guys (gender neutral) who turned into "He can write sh*t, why not me"and started writing down their own stories. And also asking advice from me. Sorry. All I can say is that if you enjoy what you do, as in that case there is at least one who does.
I hope this is worth it.
It was for me. Even if the publishing does not happen.

A plank page

And here it is.
The plank page staring at my face. Intimidating.
I know I have not written here for some time and to be honest, I don't even know if I will finish this post. Nothing says I will.
But here is an excuse: I have been writing something else.
A fantastic tale that came way longer than I expected (78k words). I hope to hear from the publisher within this year (and if not, we'll see)  I'm still not sure that I really wrote it as when I take a piece of paper and try writing again, it just intimidates me. It is as if I have already done something (maybe not good or bad, but at least I finished it) and now cannot start a new thing/project.
Narrativia, the goddess of narrative, does not care however. You are just a vessel and the thoughts will come and just a few days ago I wrote down a short story just after arriving home from work. I wrote it all down with one shot. It was just so clear and it wanted to came out. Had there been need for a longer text, I'm not sure I could have done it yet.
I feel that there are some other things that I want to investigate and write about, but it has to come on it's own time. It makes no sense to force it, if you do it for your own pleasure and no-one expects you to deliver and keep deadlines.
The process is important.
So process I shall and I'll try not feel bad about not filling the blog.

On emotions and connection

(This post has been waiting in the drafts for some time. Time has come to clean it up and send it out to the big world.)

It seems to me that we have a lot of misunderstandings in our culture when it comes to emotions. Surely, it is not the only topic where we feel lost in, but maybe I just notice it more when compared to people from other cultures (cold and slow as we are ... supposedly).

The big problem with emotions is that we attend to them as if they are permanent - which in my opinion is a big mistake. 

Who has not heard about everlasting love? Sounds too good to be true, right? I'm not saying that it is impossible, merely pointing out the obvious that even when you have loved someone for years, the emotion has changed over time and possibly at some point you have even been deeply frustrated or annoyed with this person. Everyone in a long term relationship (even with your family and friends) knows that no emotion is permanent nor constant and sometimes or dearest ones piss us off the most. Does that mean that we don't love them? No, but it does not fit in with the concept of everlasting love, does it?

Emotions as Reactions to reality

Look at small kids. Even a year old can laugh and cry and be surprised or scared. However these emotions often last only for a moment (or entire 4 hours car-ride ... and it is usually not the laughing we get there) and after that, something else takes the attention. They are in a way fluid and natural reactions to inner (I want food!) and outer (what is this sound?) impulses.

A cool thing to notice is that if another impulse comes in, the previous one is often forgotten. If the kid starts crying, you can bring his attention to something else - maybe do strange noses - and he might bring his attention to that (this is how parents survive). 

I think it makes sense if you look at it from survival perspective: you might be hungry, but if there is a strange sound, maybe someone else is hungry as well and it would be smart to be aware of it before you get eaten. You can fill your stomach a bit later but the threat might be imminent.

We don't lose these natural reactions to impulses. The reaction just changes as we grow up. Some people get grumpy when get are hungry others just make a sandwich.

The aim of these emotions is to bring our attention to relevant topics (food, survival, etc) and as soon as this kind of need is satisfied, the emotion is done - there is no need for it anymore. It might take sometimes more time, but still, there is a solution coming. However, sometimes if the solution does not come fast enough, the kids go mad. Have you seen a kid crying as if berserk and nothing that you do helps? As if they have already crossed the red line and cannot come back. They still need a resolution, but the emotion is just so big already that they have to let it out. Still, it will never last forever (all though it might feel like that at a time when you are a parent).

We understand it with small kinds, but not with older ones. I think that the same thing is happening when the kid is already older and yells "I hate you!" at his parents while they are in a supermarket (kids seem to prefer supermarkets for this... don't know why). Emotions are overflowing and it is only a temporary thing. Saying that this is not a nice thing to say to your parents will not help either as this is the truth at that moment.

I'm not saying that you should let your kids go wild, all I am saying is that the words seem to shock us. Would the kid just cry out like a toddler, we would understand just as well that he is sad and mad. However as soon as he says that he hates us, we take it to the heart - isn't hate an emotion and emotions last forever? How dare you to hate us after all the love we have given you? How dare you say something like this?

This brings us to the next topic.

Emotions as reactions to thoughts

Remember that I said that you cannot have everlasting emotions? I lied. You can, but these are called chronic not everlasting. These are not caused by the reality but our interpretation of the reality and often we just see what we want to see. As we translate every real event to a format that we expect and want to see, we are feeding ourselves constantly with the same impulse and have the same reaction all the time. This is more-less how depression works and that is not a emotion, that is a illness.

Humans are complex beings and at some point we develop the tools to create the emotions of our own - out from thin air. We think about a positive experience and we get all warn and good. We think about a negative one and we clench our fists and turn angry. This is a two bladed sword. We can use it wisely or let it run wild. The sad part is - when it runs wild, we do not notice the real needs. We operate in a bubble of our thoughts and interpretations.

As some emotions are too hard and/or painful some people use the same system and think the emotion into a different one. Sadness for example, in its deepest form, is paralyzing. All you can do is cry, clench on the floor and feel hopeless We all need a good cry time to time, but we also need to get things done. Sadness is not an emotion that will help you get things done. Anger however is. It has so much energy in it. It is focused. The way people do it is different, but the result is the same - one emotion is turned into another one by the need of reality. There is no time to cry, if work needs to be done and you have to pic up the kids.

In my experience changing a emotion is like drinking Red Bull. You will get the energy now, but there will be a drawback at some point. You still need a release.

But how do you resolve an emotion that has been created by your thoughts?

In the same way you resolve a regular emotion, but you also need to work with the thoughts. If they stay, the emotion will come back at some time. We often try to avoid them by bringing our attention to something else. Just like the parents do with toddlers who are crying. However, even if that is successful, it is only temporary - we still have to face the original emotion at some point.

We, humans are faulty and it does not appear better anywhere else than in our thoughts. Solving a problem with the same faulty tool (your brain) that first created it does usually not work well. Thats why we need to consult with other faulty beings - would it be friends or therapists - and they might mess it up even more. We all are complex and unique human beings and there is no-one in the world who could fully understand us.

However, it might be worth a shot to talk to someone about it, when you have constant thoughts distracting your everyday life.

All and All

Emotions are reactions to a stimuli - weather reality or thoughts. They last until there is a need for them, until they get resolved. They are natural. If you look into someones eyes for long enough - you have a shared moment of connectivity - a emotion will come from this. That is just what emotions do, it is how we react.

Therefore you cannot state emotion as good or bad. Emotions are what they are, the question is what you do with them. Do you resolve them? Do you take a deeper look into your thoughts? Do you ignore them and just try to go on with your every day tasks?

There are some thoughts and ideas that are causing the negative emotions. For example, everlasting love. This feeling as a constant can be pathological. How much guilt could it create when you freak out on your loved one? You could start thinking that maybe it is not even real thing? Maybe you are broken? And all this only because of one idealised idea that a lot of people worship and take as granted. When we have had a lot of positive shared moments with a person we could indeed call it love. However, with every new shared moment this experience will change. Relationship takes time and caring. There is no constant in it - the shared connections and moments are important, not a socially accepted idea.

Every person and every relationship is different.
Every person and every relationship is a bit messed up in its own way.
And this is why it is so awesome!

Räpased jutud

või määrdunud rääkimine, kui uskuda seda, mis Google Translate väidab. Igatahes sattusin ühe sõbraga arutlema teemal, et kas eesti keeles ja kultuuriruumis on olemas selline nähtus nagu Dirty Talk. Kes pole antud mõistega tuttavad, siis tegemist on pm tihtilugu ropumapoolse kõneviisiga seksikuse eesmärgil (kas enne, pärast või seksi ajal).

Siikohal tervitaksin oma ema (lehvitab, nagu kaamera ees)!
Ehk ei tasuks sul edasi lugeda. Päriselt ka. Ja kui loed, siis teeme nii, et me seda lähemalt arutlema ei hakka, eksole. Olenevlt lävest aga võib tunduda suhteliselt vänge tekst.
Teistele samamoodi: omal vastutusel!

Niisiis, tagasi teema juurde: Dirty Talk.

Teispool ookeani on tegemist tuttava mõistega ning eks läbi erinevate filmide on seda ka siia imbunud, kuid eesti keelseid väljendeid, mis oleks analoogsed aga ei ajaks itsitama või ei kõlaks imelikult või häirivalt on äärmiselt raske leida.

Kõik on kindlasti kuulnud väljendit "Who's your daddy!?", aga mitte keegi meist ei tahaks keset seksi kuulda "Kes on su issi!?" Heal juhul võib see panna naerma või vastatakse viisakalt küsimusele (mis oleks ka päris huvitav), halval juhul ... noh. (Meenutab tuttavat, kes tahtis proovida, mis ta partner teeb kui ta keset seksi võõra naise nime hüüab. Tegi igatahes laksti vastu nägu ning seda käejälge oli nädalaid näha.)

Mis veel? "I'm your slut" või "be my whore" jms. Eesti keeles tunduks äärmiselt häiriv, kui sa oma partnerit voodis litsiks või hooraks nimetad. Mulle tundub nagu need on suht karmid väljendid meie maal. "Oooh, aaaah! Olen su prost!" ei oma ka just seda kõla. Samamoodi kohalikud sõnad Fuck asemel ei oma minu arust päris seda kõla. Nuss, nikk kepp (proovi seksikalt öelda Ma tahan sind nussida nagu nugis!) tundub kuidagi kahtlane. Võibolla huumorimeelega tehtav. "Fuck me!" asemel "Pane mind!" on äkki töötav.

Veel Ameerika klassikat. Kui kirehoos hüüaks mu partner "Jeesus Kristus!" või "Issand jummal küll!" siis ma arvaks pigem, et midagi hullu juhtus või et talle meenus, et ta unustas piima osta. Ja kohalik "Taara avita!" ei teeks asja paremaks.

Kui inglise keeles kasutatakse "ride" ehk ratsutama omajagu palju, siis meil on hobustega seoses pigem rautamine kasutusel. Mis on natuke kummaline, kui nüüd mõelda. Ratsutamine on kahe olevuse koostöö, rautamisel üks on paigal ja teine taob...

Omajagu on selles kõnepruugis ka väljendeid selle kohta kui nö katki üksteist (või siis pigem naist) tehakse. Stiilis, et homme käid sa karkudega. Olen kuulnud ka eesti keeles analoogiaid: homme jalad ristis või et jalad on pärast nagu makaronid (kõlab täiega seksikalt, ma tean. Eriti itaalastele. Neile meeldivad makaronid).

Mulle tundub, et nende väljenditega väga head lood meil ei ole. Kusjuures, ma ei suuda isegi meenutada head väljendit seksi ajal tehtavate häälitsuste kohta. On see oigamine või ohkimine? Kõlavad ka pigem negatiivse alatooniga. Kindlasti on midagi paremat olemas. Eks muidugi iga paarike leiutab omad väljendid, kui on vajadus. Heade väljenditena võiks ehk kasutada Genialistide laulusõnu nagu "anna mulle end" või "imeilus tüdruk ime", mis kuskil ajusopis ja kultuuriruumis juba olemas ja kõlavad nagu kah. Kes teab.

Aastaid tagasi lugesin ühest kohalikust Cosmopolitanist, kuidas eelmängu vürtsitada näiteks SMS'idega stiilis "Mu kliitor igatseb su keelt!", mis nagu väga hull ei olegi. Saaks oluliselt hullemini. Näiteks "Topi mind täis!" kõlab pigem nagu taksitermisti märg unenägu, mitte seksikas jutt. Või "Oi kuidas ma panen su tulema!" kõlab pigem nägu ähvardav küllakutse ämma juurde.

Kunagi ammu palus üks välismaalasest tuttav mul tõlkida kindlaid samasse kategooriasse langevaid fraase, plaaniga oma eestlasest tüdruksõpra nendega seksi ajal üllatada. Eks ma siis lasin oma loomingulise linnu lendu. Ei olnud lihtne, aga kindlasti leidlik ja ma olen 100% veendunud, et kui tüüp keset seksi "Fuck me stupid" asemel ütles "Truki mind tolaks" oli tüdruk kindlasti rohkem üllatunud kui mees ootas. Ei teagi kuidas see üllatus tal välja kukkus.

Võibolla, ma lihtsalt ei oska seksikat aga räpast juttu ajada ning ehk pole see minu teema. Võibolla aga on asi ka kultuurilises ja keelelises eripäras. Igatahes ... soovitan katsetada, pidavat tervislik olema. No ja kui ei tööta siis ehk saab vähemalt kõhutäie naerda. On ju meie keeles ka sõnal lustimine mitu tähendust ning miks mitte neid tähendusi kombineerida.

Ahjaa, ja häid lihavõtteid kõigile. Loodus tärkab ja munad ja jänesed ... sobib teemasse küll!