Lessons from the dark side

A few days ago a girl at my workplace commented on my death tattoo. 

"I think I could not live while being constantly reminded of death," she said.

"I am at a stage in my life where I could not live anymore while I'm not," I replied. 

I said it almost automatically. It just came out. It was the truth.

Later on I started thinking about it. Isn't it a bit strange that what scares others gives me hope?

I find it a bit difficult to explain but I will try.

The hard learnings

I have had several experiences in my life that have just shred me into bits and pieces. That turned me inside out. That totally shackled all I had. I could imagine cutting myself off from the world and sinking into morbid existence ... and then just fading away without anyone noticing. The hard part is that a part of my soul just wants to do that - wants to escape. Like a small scared child. The world is a terrible place, life is hard and painful and I know it. Deep down I know it, whatever I do. 

I cannot forget. I can forgive, but I cannot forget. This is the dark side of life and death that a lot of people don't want to be reminded about, but I do not have a choice here, do I.

However there is also a lighter side to death that I eventually came to understand. If you see beyond the dark you will see light. You will see the truth. You will see what matters and what does not. 

In the endgame what good is there that you had a Ferrari, HD tv and a pool table in your living room if you did not have true human connections? You get my point, right?

It took some time before I could understand these teachings and to be honest I used to be quite scared of life. Right now, I'm glad to be alive.

Here are some of the things I have learned.

1. Don't take yourself too seriously

Be silly, be stupid. Have fun. 

Do you remember how as kids we were just fooling around? Invented new games and adventures to have fun? We just moved to the music, making fool of ourselves and then were laughing about it. We made stupid faces to each other and laughed about it as well. We ran and climbed trees and played games and not because anyone told us to. We did it because it was fun. We liked doing it.

Then the teenager years came and suddenly we all tried to be oh so cool and grown up. By the numbers I am a grown up and all I can say is: "get out, it's a trap!"

We forget how to just play and have fun as kids and try to be the serious and gloom grownups that the society expects us to be. There are too many people like this.

Playing and fooling around is for kids, they say ... and that is just stupid.

Who says that you cannot be productive and playful at the same time? Have fun and get the work done at the same time?

You are not perfect. Just stop acting. None of us are and that is what makes it all so interesting.

You cannot and will not know everything. You are just a fool who tries to make the best of it all.

Death note: You will die. That is a fact. Cherish yourself and the life you have while you have it. Enjoy it.

2. Don't care too much of what others think of you.

The first point would not work too well without it, would it?

You know there used to be a cool and really friendly guy called Jesus. Everyone loved him .. except the people who did not. You see, even the son of god was not liked by everyone. Don't try the impossible. You are who you are and you will compute well with some people and not so well with others. That's just how it is. Don't waste your time on people that you do not connect with. Don't waste your time with being afraid of a judgement.

There is no point in trying to act cool. Acting is for acting school. Just be who you are - as long as you are not an asshole (remember, you want to have human connections).

Death note: Death can be sad, but it is even worse if you did not live at all. We all are scared sometimes, we all have our own demons, but the question comes down to Yes or No. Do you really want to live or not. Being in between, wasting your life as a zombie is the worst option.
Fun fact: the people who judge you will also die one day, so there's no point to worry :P

3. Connect with people

Be as honest as possible. Be real. Express your feelings as much as you possibly can (but don't be an asshole) . Yes you can make a fool of yourself like that, but who cares (check previous points) Connect. You cannot connect without the possibility of making a fool of yourself. The true human to human connection always has this scary part. If you care for someone, you will get hurt when they get hurt and you will laugh when they do. Connect with your full heart.
Even if it fails or the connection does not last forever, it is still better than never happening at all.
Your heart might get broken, but at least you have a heart. You will just put it together and move on and deep dive into other worlds and souls.

And sometimes you might think that you have lost them. We all are assholes sometimes... it is part of human nature. Whatever you did- just say that you you are sorry. If they really care for you, they will forgive.

Find your tribe. It is out there, you just have to find them and if you have them, the connection will stay - even if you do not see each-other for years or live far apart. Strange thing is this human connection.

Death note: Yes, it is sad - they as well will die one day. Sorry to bring it to you, but its the truth. Take as much as you can from these real heart to heart/ soul to soul connections. Cherish them. Value them. They will keep your heart warm and keep you going.

4. Do things now and really, don't be an Asshole

We have limited time in this world and so do all the others. All of us have our own way. Try to be kind and understanding even if you disagree with them.

All you have is Now. Right now. Nothing else is certain. Don't wait to say things that you want to say. Don't wait for a better time, if there is something you could already do right now. Don't wait for a fix in the future that will 'solve all your problems' - thats just wishful thinking. Might or might not happen for real.

Have expectations and hopes, but know that these are just thoughts. (there is a saying is Estonian that translates like this: "Human makes plans - god laughs") The only reality is now. Do things now. Even if scared, just do it.

Death note: People have the tendency to die. Value them for what they are and don't be an asshole - you might not get a chance to fix it later.

Epilogue

Do what you wish with these lessons. 

I have found them useful in my journeys. I have been doing things that I never imagined I would or even could do. I have had human encounters with strangers that have moved me from the bottom of my heart. I have shared myself with others and have gained so much back.

There is darkness in me that I cannot escape, what I can do is keep my heart warm and burning despite the dark. To be the light at the end of the tunnel.

Cheers!

Death note: CATS ARE NICE!

Some moments from FiiF 2016

So, I was at FiiF this year as a solo artist. 

As I am really struggling with expressing all of my feelings about it, I decided to just write down some moments I had. True, even here I might not get everything down right - the human emotion is way more complex than the language we have for expressing it. Also these moments will be from random locations and random times.

It is not so much for sharing with others, but mostly for myself so I could later look back and remember... and have the warm feeling inside and smile.

If you were there, maybe you will find yourself in here, but maybe not. Maybe you can connect with it, maybe not.

These are just some of the moments I had in these few days that felt like years (in a good sense). A lot of love will and should stay unwritten.

***

The game was simple: make eye contact with someone in the room an hold it for two minutes.

That was the easy part. The hard part was to feel what was happening while you were doing it.

There is no such thing than innocent eye contact, the instructor had said and he was right.

Some emotions grew from the contact. Something happened. Always.

We had done it several times already, but this time the result was unexpected.

I felt ... bad... guilty... scary even. I felt like a monster. Don't know why or how it happened, but so it was. She was scared of me and I felt it.

It is just a role, I told myself, but the more I stared the less I believed in it.

I was a monster and I felt how something moved in me from 'I don't want to be like this' into 'You want to see this? You really want to see this? Fine. I can be this'.

I could feel it in the way I stood, the way I felt, the way I stared.

Just like under-dog creates the up-dog, this connection had turned me into a beast.

I felt the side of me that was angry, brutal and raw. That was dominating and empowered. It was the primal side of me that I did not want to accept or see - my personal blind spot as Jung would say - and now someone else had just looked into it. Just like that.

"I am a monster."

"Don't hurt me anymore."

We were on the same level. We both had experienced the same thing. 

We ended this connection with reassuring hug and moved on. It took me some time to get out of this feeling. 

Then I felt grateful. 

Grateful for being seen, even like this.

*

"So here is a task for you. Be my smile man. So when there is a lot of crowd in the pub and you see me, give me a smile and a thumbs up."

"Ok, will do"

This task seemed a bit strange at first, but it turned up to be really fun.

*

It was just me and the darkness. 

I could hear people moving. I sensed caring hands stopping and guiding me and other blind shadows passing me on my way.

I didn't know how long had I walked around with my eyes closed.

Not only had I lost my sense of time like this, but also my sense of direction.

I was in a different world in a different dimension.

All I knew was that I can move and people around me will make sure that nothing bad will happen to me.

I knew I was safe.

*

"Don't dance but just move to the music. Be ugly or silly, do whatever you want" the instructor said. 

I have never felt at home with dancing. 

It just does not come so naturally. I don't feel it. But move to the music and be ugly, that I can do. Sure, that I can do.

*

"Are you all right, my dear?"

"More less, have a bit of a headache"

"Sorry to hear that"

"No worries. Just give me a hug"

*

"Don't speak. Just be here," I said and we stared into each others eyes.

We had to go on the stage soon. These were the last minutes we had in backstage.

The plan was to do a mono scene, a realistic one.

Therefore, we as humans had to be real and connected.

He seemed to be a bit surprised and uncomfortable at first, but it seemed to work and get us on the more human level. We said thank you and soon the show started.

* 

I had done it with 2 people and the hugs just did not happen. All we got was hug fails.

"Initiate hug. One, Two, Three!"

It worked this time. So did the next one. And the next one.

We sent each-other off with jazz hands.

I was surprised. 

How was it that what did not work at all with some, worked so well with others. 

*

"I really liked your style on the stage."

Had we not been in a hurry, I would have stopped right there and then. 

You liked my style?
There are 60+ actors here and you noticed me? 

And not only noticed but also liked? 

"But... but ... but ...," my brain started. I have always had difficulties with accepting compliments or positive feedback - especially when I did something that I really enjoyed.

"You do mainly long-form, yes?" she continued, not aware of the inner struggle I had.

"eh ... yes ... thank you," I blushed inside, feeling grateful.

*

Silence. 

No-one had noticed it? Or did they notice, but just did not react? Whichever it was, it was strangely liberating, that no-one commented or laughed about the sentence I had just said. A sentence that would have sounded quite wrong if used out of the context.

I used to make jokes like that. Now I did not even try, but it still sometimes happened. My brain always noticed it.

It was strange to see that my improv colleagues were not as dirty minded as I was.
(As it later turned out - they were dirty minded, but they also were polite :P )

*

"And if you don't want to be touched from some places just say it out to your partner. Otherwise they will not know. You have to communicate it. Take care of your well being yourself," I reminded to myself as I skipped half of the workshop and walked back to the hostel. 

I just could not do it, I was emotionally naked and tired. I could not concentrate. I needed some time off for myself.

The workshop I had had in the morning had changed me so much that I just could not deal with the next one. I was broken. Broken in a positive way and needed some time to put the pieces together again.

*

When I was here the last time, I had just started improvising. I was new at it and mainly did side-support. Then on a mixer show I suddenly played the main character of the story. I still remembered how scared but also supported I felt. It really was a big thing.

Now, four years later I was on FiiF stage again with the mixer and fulfilled my part as side support. 

Was this a full circle? 

I did not mind it. It was in a way even liberating just to be there without too many words or too much attention.

*

"No no no. This is the process speaking" he tapped on his head. "Now do it again and tell what you really feel. What the body is telling you. Take your time. There is no hurry"

I saw how different the outcome was. 

I saw how more real and believable it was. 

The mind can lie, but the body can not, and when the mind lies there is a conflict. 

I have seen too many situations in my life where the words that come out are not in sync with the body. How people say "I am good!" or "I love it!" in a least convincing way. 

Now I learned how to really be there and notice when something is untold. It was liberating.

*

I thought how silly or strange it might have looked like to other people.

Just a group of people standing in front of a pub, making fun at each other and then digging with imaginary shovels.

We did it whenever we went too far with the jokes. You know, digging yourself deeper when you are already in a hole. 

It was fun, but I am sure that it also must have looked a bit strange.

***

It was my first workday after the festival. 

A client joined the chat and I noticed that he had the name and location of one of the improvisers who was in FiiF. 

Sure, it was not the same person, but my heart still started to rally with joy.